Ever wished that you knew someone
who felt the way you did or has gone through what you are
going through? We want to help you, Author and Romance
Strategist Tana Marie can
offer some insight. Her extensive background as a therapist
& counselor has afforded her the opportunity to hone her
unique talents into an impressive repertoire of interventions,
processes, lectures & seminars in the areas of relationship
enhancement, communication, numerous Spiritual subjects, personal
excellence & self-esteem. Click here
to read more about Tana Marie.
Thanks for your interest. Tana Marie is currently unable to answer any new questions due to her hectic travel schedule. Please check back, because she will resume this feature in the future.
Here are
questions from guests and relationship advice I've given.
| Q: |
Dear TM, I recently started a new relationship with a man
after just getting out of another relationship. My last
relationship was my first love and we were engaged. I
loved him like I never loved anyone before, but he cheated
on me and he totally changed once he knew he was going
into pro basketball. I gave him my all and I told myself
that I would never be in a relationship again. I am not
going to love another again. I was so hurt when he
disrespected me that I stabbed him with a knife. I was so
angry and I am not sorry. Ever since then I felt that all
men are cheaters. Then I met Brian. Brian is different he
cares about me very much, but I can't seem to let my guard
down and I do not want to miss out on something good but I
do not think I can do it I AM SO SCARED that he is going
to hurt me. I love LOVE but I do not think LOVE loves me.
Help me please!!!!
Jackie |
| A: |
Dear Jackie, Being betrayed is one of the most devastating
things that can happen to anyone in any relationship, let
alone when it's your first love. I certainly can
understand your anger, fear and hesitation about entering
another romance.
There are a few issues I want to address for you:
* Please read two of my Romance Columns "Avoid
'The Land of Diminishing Returns' By Using Passion",
because it addresses exactly what you mentioned about
never wanting to love again and "Put
Your Past Behind You" because that one will help you
start your new romance with an optimistic outlook.
* Secondly, Love is a magical, wonderful gift that IS
available to everyone. It doesn't give up on people; WE
just push it away when we're hurt or afraid. Unfortunately
oftentimes people DO change when a huge goal is realized,
like your ex did, but it DOESN'T mean EVERY man is
untrustworthy, or will hurt you. It sounds like you have
found a lovely new man, and he deserves your trust and the
opportunity to create a great relationship with you,
without paying for the sins of the last man.
* Lastly, it is NEVER OK to stab anyone in a fit of anger,
regardless of how justified your outrage is. This is one
of those situations where your actions could have had
devastating consequences you certainly don't need in your
life. Pain, anger, abuse and outrage need to be healed,
not perpetuated. Seek a good counselor to work out your
feelings in a constructive way so you can heal and move
forward in your life with your wonderful new man.
|
| Q: |
I have been in love with this guy for almost two years
now. We are best friends and that's all he wants to be (so
he tells me). We are so close, that when he was in Iraq he
would call me or email me almost everyday and when he came
home he brought me back a huge teddy bear with a shamrock
on it's belly. He said it's because I brought him good
luck. Anyway we have been there for each other thru so
much and remained just friends. But a couple of weeks ago
while drinking and watching a movie we started making out.
We ended up having sex. The next day I called him and left
a message on his voicemail explaining that it was a
mistake and that we were both drunk and that I didn't want
our first time to be that way. I called him five times
that weekend and he never called me back. So on Monday I
called his job and he had one of his troops tell me that
he couldn't talk right now. So the next day I was so mad
that I send him an email telling him off and saying that I
never wanted to see him again. I was so hurt that he would
treat me that way, it made me feel used. So two weeks go
by and I still don't hear anything. Today when I got to
work there was an email from him saying he had to leave to
go out of town to see his sick mom and that he was sorry I
felt that way. I don't understand what is going on or
rather to believe him or not. I still have feelings for
him but I don't really trust him now. What should I do?
Robin |
| A: |
Dear Robin, Your situation brings up the question I hear
more often than any other: the most difficult issue
between friends of the opposite sex is being or remaining
"just friends." This is often difficult because a close
friendship fosters feelings of safety, trust, intimacy,
and love, just as a great romance does. Often when a man
says he wants to remain "just friends" he means exactly
that, because he sees the woman as a sister, or doesn't
feel the sexual chemistry he needs for a romance -
regardless of how close the two people are.
When your guy-pal was in Iraq, your closeness and constant
communication had to have been an emotional lifesaver for
him - a source of comfort and support that got him thru a
really tough time. It probably meant more to him than he
has told you, and his gift of the bear was one way to show
you how much your friendship meant to him. Most people who
return from any war have to have time to process their
feelings regarding the experiences they had, and everyone
does that in a different way.
When you two became physically intimate, he was connecting
with his true feelings of caring, closeness and safety he
has for you, and the drinking just allowed his deeper
feelings to surface. It doesn't seem like he was using
you, especially because of your history.
I certainly do understand why you are upset and confused
by this matter. You have every right to feel that way;
because you don't have any closure on this and you two
haven't cleared the air in a direct, compassionate and
loving way. However, his actions aren't totally
unpredictable in this case, because he probably was
startled by your phone call the following day saying it
was a mistake and had to step back to process those
feelings - that's why he was avoiding your calls. When he
got your email, it pushed him back further, because
regardless of your feelings of hurt and confusion, he read
it as a myriad of mixed-messages, and needed more time to
figure out his next move.
Robin, you have a wonderful and rare gift, a friendship
with someone you truly love and care about. This whole
situation blew-up and just needs some time to cool down
before you reestablish your closeness. Can you trust him?
YES. Just remember, someone isn't who they were during
your last conversation, they are who they have been
throughout your entire relationship. Let him know he IS an
important part of your life, take baby steps as you get
back together, and sometime in the future you'll be able
to discuss what 'really' happened that night, and possibly
rekindle a romance.
|
| Q: |
I have been dating a girl for 8 months. I recently told
her that I cheated on her about 2 months ago with a girl
that I didn't really know. We talked about it, cried, and
reassured each other for hours. I'm not sure she will
really be able to get past it though. What can I do to
regain the trust that she once had in me? What can I do to
reassure her that something like this will never happen
again?
Scott |
| A: |
Dear Scott, Betrayal is one of the most difficult things
for anyone to get past in a relationship, so you DO have a
long road ahead of you. Whether she can get over it or not
will depend on your actions from here out. Please read my
Romance Column, "Rebuilding
Trust Using The Time Line Model" because it will give
you tools to help heal the pain and rebuild the trust that
was damaged by your actions.
I do have 2 questions for you to consider while you're
healing your relationship:
* Why did you cheat on your girlfriend with someone you
didn't know, (or anyone else for that matter), in the
first place?
* What do you need to do inside of yourself to absolutely
know this is the woman you want to be with?
I'm asking these questions, because when we truly love
someone, no one else could ever enter the "bubble"
healthy, strong couples have around them. Because you did
stray, it's a signal that something is wrong, either
within the relationship, or with your concept of a
romance. Please get clear and congruent about your own
actions and feelings, before trying to convince her of
them.
You have to know that your girlfriend may not be able to
recover from this, but your sincerity and sustained
positive actions are the only sure way to accomplish it.
|
| Q: |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. The
first 6 months were excellent, but the last two have been
hell. He neglects me, and never touches me. Sex is no
more, and he gets mad when I try to touch him or be
passionate with him. I ask him if he's unattached to me or
if he's annoyed, and he says no and assures to me his love
is true. I just don't know, he cringes when I try to hug
or kiss him, we never have sex, and he never tells me I'm
beautiful or even if something's wrong... I just don't
know where to turn and I'm getting really depressed and
bothered. I love him so much, but I'm so lost. Please
help!
Klara |
| A: |
Dear Klara, I can understand why you're so depressed and
concerned - something is definitely wrong in your
relationship, regardless of what your boyfriend is saying.
Physical contact, intimacy, affection and passion are all
part of a healthy, growing romance. The fact that your man
is cringing when you touch him is a serious sign that he
may be having second thoughts, has emotionally checked-out
of the relationship or feels the relationship isn't what
he thought it was going to be. There could be a dozen
reasons why he is acting this way, but basically he is NOT
invested in your happiness and the success of the
relationship. If he was, he would do more to make sure you
were both happy and getting what you need, physically and
emotionally.
Please sit down and talk to him. Ask him these
"Relationship Tune-up" questions:
1. Are you getting what you want in our relationship?
2. Are you getting what you need?
3. Are you happy with where our relationship is going?
4. What would you like to see changed, if anything?
Listen to his answers and watch his reactions. This is
very important - if he refuses to have this conversation,
then he is NOT emotionally involved, things won't improve
and/or he'll eventually leave. If he does want to fix the
problems, please set up a game plan to work on together,
or seek outside help.
Please remember, it takes TWO people to make a
relationship succeed, and if he won't work on creating a
wonderful relationship with you, then it is time to bless
and release this man. The loneliest place to be is in a
loveless relationship with someone who treats you like
you're not there - regardless of what he says. How he
treats you is 10 times more important than his words. You
deserve to be loved and treated well - accept nothing
less!
|
| Q: |
I am in love with a woman that fulfills every need and
wish that I have; sexually, emotionally, and every other
way possible. But I keep getting hung up on something I
can't seem to get past; something in her past. When she
was 17 she lost her virginity to someone 23 yrs. older
than her. And although she didn't have a lot of sex
partners, she has been committed for 20 yrs. to someone 15
yrs. older than her. She and I are 6 yrs. apart; have a
lot in common, etc. etc. as I explained. Although I have a
'worst' past in terms of number of partners etc. this
issue upsets me. Am I being stupid considering we are so
good together and I am happier with her than I have ever
been? How do I get past this if I am?
Thanks...
Frank
P.S. I am 50, she is 44 |
| A: |
Dear Frank, Yes, you are seriously sabotaging something
that is, by your description, wonderful and fulfilling.
Stop it!! This kind of romance DOESN'T happen everyday,
and you should be grateful for the love and connection you
two have.
EVERY person over the age of 2 has a past - EVERYONE. Some
have pasts that are PC and "traditional", while others are
more avant-garde, experimental, or non-traditional. Why
does something that happened 27 years ago bother you so?
And the fact that she was with someone who was quite a bit
older than her obviously bothers you unrealistically. What
is it about the age difference that pushes YOUR buttons? I
feel that is the real issue here - NOT her romantic past -
that was another lifetime for her. Age difference for so
many people is just a number - it's the person inside they
are having the romance with.
How do you get over it? Gratitude and appreciation for a
fabulous romance that so many others only dream of and
letting go of your judgments. The only outcome a judgment
like that guarantees is a solo life - and I know you don't
want that! Enjoy what you have and stop looking back.
|
| Q: |
Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years and
have a six-month-old son together. He's 23 and I'm 21.
Ever since I got pregnant with my six month old all we
have been doing is arguing because he goes out a lot of
times a week and stays out really really late and makes
plans with me and just doesn't come home to keep them. He
also lies about everything and now we broke up about three
weeks ago. And he said that he doesn't want to be with me
because of the arguments. We are still living together
because we live with his family and I have nowhere else to
go. I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel and try
to get him to sleep downstairs with the baby and me again
but he does for one day and than the next day he says that
just because he hung out with me one night doesn't mean we
are fine. We don't have sex every time either. Would it do
us more good if I ignored him until he was ready to talk,
or should I keep trying?
Tasha |
| A: |
Dear Tasha, Unfortunately you are in a relationship with a
man who isn't ready to be a parent, is feeling burdened by
all the responsibilities and is acting-out because of it.
Often when a man does this, it's because he actually wants
the woman to get fed-up and leave, then he doesn't look
like the "bad guy." I certainly am NOT excusing his
behavior in any way, just trying to explain why he's doing
it.
His explanation about not wanting to be with you because
of "all the arguments" is just a cover - he may not even
realize why he is acting the way he is. I do feel it is a
much deeper set of issues:
* He could be feeling his life is over and now he has to
become like HIS father
* He might be afraid he won't be a good parent, or being a
"parent" means you're old
* He's afraid he won't have any control over his life, so
he's doing what he wants with no regard for you or your
feelings
* He could be angry that he is "missing out" on something
hot that may come along
* Or a hundred other things that having a relationship and
child represent to him
Tasha, ignoring this situation WON'T make it go away, you
must deal with it. Here are a few suggestions to help you
hopefully correct the problem:
* Have you discussed the situation with his family? What
is their attitude regarding his actions? What, if
anything, have they already done to help?
* Sit down and talk to him - NOT ARGUE - and ask him what
he wants to do regarding your relationship and the baby.
Ask him to be HONEST and really LISTEN to what he has to
say.
* If he is open to this, set-up a plan to heal your
relationship by discussing what you BOTH want and need and
then make an agreement to work on it TOGETHER for the good
of all 3 of you.
* If he absolutely WON'T work with you on this, or give
you tangible reasons for his actions, then that's your
sign he is NOT going to be a part of parenting your son.
At that point, all the sex or pleading in the world won't
change his mind and it's time to take charge of your own
life. This won't necessarily be "easy", but under the
circumstances, it's the best course of action for you and
your son; find a supportive environment, such as a Women's
Shelter or something through a Church, (since you said you
have nowhere else to go) and make the move. These
organizations will help you get on your feet and allow you
to create a better life for both of you.
Good luck with this Dear One, I'm sorry you have to go
thru this, but you owe a good life to you and your son.
|
|
Q: |
Hi, my name is Jessica, and I have a best friend named
Sean who I've been swooning over for some time, but he has
no idea. We are very close, and we talk all the time. We
talk for hours everyday, and we plan on most likely going
to the prom and a Halloween dance this year. He makes me
laugh like no one else, he's always there for me -
generally the kind of guy that I've been looking for, but
never got. I just recently got out of a serious
relationship, and I'm still very hurt. There are several
issues I would like to bring up:
1) I'm not sure whether he's interested in me the same way
I am with him. Even if he were interested, I'm not sure if
I want to get hurt again so soon.
2) If we were to get together, how would I know if he
isn't going to break my heart like past failures?
3) And if he isn't interested, it might get "weird"
afterwards, and I don't want to lose our great friendship.
Is there anything I should look out for, or should I just
ask him?
Any advice would help.
God Bless,
Jess :-P |
|
A: |
First of all I want you to know that WHAT YOU FOCUS ON
MANIFESTS IN YOUR LIFE, good or bad, positive or negative,
and right now sweetie, all you're focusing on is GETTING
HURT again. You are still raw emotionally from your last
break-up, so right now it's your pain and fear that is
doing most of the talking. Every man you meet ISN'T there
to hurt you; it just feels like that sometimes, especially
after a break-up.
I'd like to address your specific concerns:
1. Sean sounds like a fabulous person - very caring and
perceptive. Because of your friendship, he may be holding
back, waiting for you to heal before he lets you know how
he feels. He probably knows his job right now is to be
your emotional support system, without putting pressure on
you for romance. If that is the case, he gets 50 points in
my book! Also, remember what I said about focusing on what
you want? Your comment about not wanting to get hurt again
(by him) is way too pervasive in your thoughts!
2. Re-read answer #1. Your past DOES NOT equal your
future. You deserve a wonderful man who is here to LOVE
you, NOT hurt you!
3. Let him know that he's the type of guy you have always
wanted, how special he is to you, how happy you are that
he's in your life and just watch his reaction. I don't
feel things would get weird if he doesn't have those
feelings, because your friendship is very special to him,
and he won't let honest feelings scare him off. If he does
share your feelings, you'll know it by his reaction.
Your homework:
* Please read my Romance Columns, "Avoid
'The Land of Diminishing Returns' By Using Passion"
and "Put
Your Past Behind You" to help heal your fear about
continually getting hurt when you love someone.
* Write down this affirmation and read it everyday: "I Now
Manifest And Accept My Perfect Mate. This Is The One Who
Brings Love, Joy And Happiness Into My Life."
This issue is so important to heal, because it has nothing
to do with Sean, or any other "new man" specifically. If
you feel "all men will hurt you", unfortunately that will
become your reality, meeting man after man who WILL hurt
you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone! So please do your
homework and free yourself from those fears to assure you
have a love-filled future, OK?
|
|
Q: |
I met this guy through my work back in March, he seemed
interested in me and he asked for my phone number. He has
not called me as yet. I have access to his phone number
and address do you think it would be a good idea to write
him a quick "hello" note? I do not feel comfortable
calling him. Or do you think I should just leave this
alone.
Megan |
|
A: |
Dear Megan,
If a man took your phone number months ago and hasn't
called, it is best that you move on and leave this one
alone. He might have met someone else, or reconnected with
someone from his past, having nothing to do with his
original interest in you. Regardless, if he hasn't
bothered to call you, you deserve better.
Most men will walk across broken glass to get to someone
they are interested in, so please don't waste any more
time wondering about him. There are so many wonderful men
out there who will give you the time and attention you
deserve, so please be good to yourself and allow someone
new into your life.
|
|
Q: |
Dear TM, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years
now and we've lived together 8 months. We spend pretty
much all of our time together, we plan to get married one
day. He tells me he loves me if only if I tell him first.
If I ask him "do you love me?" he says yes, but as far as
telling me on a regular basis on his own, he doesn't. WHY?
Tiffany |
|
A: |
Dear Tiffany, Some men have a problem verbalizing their
feelings and would rather SHOW you they care, than telling
you.
Women are typically MUCH more verbal than men are. Studies
have proven women typically use 5 words to every 1 a man
uses - so watch his BEHAVIOR towards you.
* Is he loving in his actions?
* Does he treat you with kindness and respect?
* Does he touch you and show affection?
If he does, that's his way of expressing his true
feelings. The fact that he DOES say he loves you when
asked is confirmation, but you can tell him that it would
be wonderful if he occasionally says "I Love You" first.
|
|
Q: |
Dear TM, I have a boyfriend of 4 months that I care about,
but am not remaining faithful to in my actions. I began
dating a guy on the side who frequents my workplace often.
I am 19 and this guy is 36 with 3 kids and he is divorced.
Although he sounds like a typical mid-life crisis creep -
he is not. I am really interested in getting to know him,
but don't want to loose a good thing with my boyfriend.
Last night I kissed this new man and it felt great. This
would be the 2nd time I have cheated on him in 2-3 months.
Mary-Michelle |
|
A: |
Dear Mary-Michelle, I believe in something completely,
"Actions speak louder than Words." Unfortunately your
actions don't match-up with your words - how could you
really care about your boyfriend and continue to cheat on
him? I feel you should NOT be in a relationship with
someone if you are interested in someone else, regardless
of the length of time you've been together.
One of the most selfish things anyone can do is keep their
partner 'on the string' while trying to figure out if
another person is a good deal or not. Both men and women
do this, and I feel it is horribly wrong regardless of the
reasons.
If you feel the other man is someone you want to get to
know and explore your options, be honest with your current
boyfriend NOW. Don't string him along - he doesn't deserve
that. Be true to yourself, your boyfriend and this
potential new man by being authentic and above-board.
Would you want someone doing this to you?
|
|
Q: |
Dear TM, I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 25. I love her very
much but she doesn't seem to love me. We live together and
I'm constantly doing things to show her how much I love
her like hiding notes in her work materials. She doesn't
show any affection toward me nor does she seem to
appreciate what I do. I feel I'm being used. She has no
sex drive and is often bitter. Your current romance column
might be my answer but there is something that tells me
she loves me somehow. Please help. Thank you.
Spencer |
|
A: |
Dear Spencer, Unrequited love may make for a great
novella, but it is a horrible thing to actually live
though. I want you to remember this; you can be lonelier
in a bad relationship than being by yourself.
The things you do are wonderful shows of affection, and
believe me, there are millions of women who are searching
for a man who knows how to be romantic, affectionate and
truly caring. Kudos to you! Living with a woman who does
not appreciate who you are and what you do for her is
truly a waste.
Now, I don't know if she is actually using you, but
definitely there are issues that need to be resolved. She
may have intimacy issues, is afraid to show affection,
never learned how, was abused, doesn't believe in love or
any of a thousand other reasons. The bottom line is you
cannot stay in the situation as it currently is -
SOMETHING has to be done. Please DON'T hang onto the hope
that she loves you - find out for sure one-way or another!
Here are a few things to do:
* Please sit down and talk to her. Tell her you are not
feeling loved, and explain what you would like her to do
to show you she cares. Ask her what she needs from you to
feel loved.
* Ask her my "Relationship Tune-up" questions and share
your answers with her:
1. Are you getting what you want in our relationship?
2. Are you getting what you need?
3. Are you happy with where our relationship is going?
4. What would you like to see changed, if anything?
If she is open and willing to discuss what is going on
with her, then you have a starting point to mend your
romance. If she remains closed, or refuses to talk about
what's up, when you know you have someone who probably
will never be the responsive, emotionally open partner you
need to be happy. If that is the case, please be honest
with her, let her know you can't keep living this way, and
make plans to move on - regardless of how much you love
her. I know this part is difficult, but if you're being
loving and not receiving love in return, you are in your
romance essentially alone and you DON'T deserve that.
Some lucky lady out there will appreciate your romantic
style and will gladly return the love you send!
|
|
Q: |
I'm a mom with 3 daughters and the youngest passed away 11
months ago. I am not married to their dad anymore and have
had a hard time finding a man I can trust. I am also
separated from my currant spouse because of his lies and
him not being able to support me emotionally. I have also
lost my dad who was my best friend 4 months ago; you have
not idea how hard it is to want to continue living. I talk
to many men on the internet because I don't want to leave
the house, they tell me they care for me and want to be
with me, but then after about 2 weeks they disappear,
meaning I don't hear from them again. How do I know they
are being honest and how do I keep from getting pulled
into that because I want to be needed and wanted so bad I
believe them all and then I am back to the wanting to die
part again. Please help me to understand.
Annette |
|
A: |
Dear Annette, I can only imagine the pain you're feeling
due to the loss of your Daughter and Father. My sincere
condolences! Feeling depressed and suicidal is not
uncommon after tragedies like yours, including the loss of
your love relationship, which is also adds to the mix.
Right now all you feel is loss and pain - no wonder your
world feels so dark.
The FIRST thing you should be doing is HEALING yourself -
NOT surfing the Net for a new man. You have a lot of
grieving and healing to do, not to mention the depression
is masking a tremendous amount of anger that needs to be
expressed in healthy and appropriate ways.
I feel a good counselor could help you through this dark
period in your life, because attempting to heal on your
own when you have so much to deal with is difficult at
best. I have been doing counseling for 26 years and would
be glad to work with you, ask friends if they have someone
they recommend, or seek counseling thru your church, or
look thru the Yellow Pages and pick someone who feels
right for you. You must heal your pain before you can move
ahead into a romance that will be the right one for you.
Please read my Romance Columns to help you deal with some
of the issues you are facing:
* "Shell
Game Vs The Search For Essence"
* "Rebuilding
Trust Using The Time Line Model"
* "Want
A Fabulous Romantic Future? Peek At Your Past!"
Finally Annette, YES, men
on the Internet DO lie. Not ALL of them, but it's more
pervasive than it should be. As amazing as the Net is,
it's a "safe place" for people to fantasize, pretend to be
something they're not, make all sorts of promises they
have no intention of keeping, and play all sorts of games.
Again - NOT EVERY man on the Net does this, but because
you are hurting and vulnerable, you're attracting the ones
who feed on that vulnerability and are the game players.
Please make EMOTIONAL HEALING your FIRST priority. Then
from a strong, confident persona, you WILL meet the right
man for you, be it on the Net, in the grocery store, or
through friends. The KEY piece in your happiness is being
whole, complete and healed and that will be the kind of
man you will attract.
|
|
Q: |
Dear Tana, I really don't know where to start with my
problem. I'm a 35 yr old female who is twice divorce and
two teenage kids. All my life I've been in and out of
failed relationships. I finally met a man that was like a
best friend to me. He was really good to me and my kids.
The problem was that I didn't know how to appreciate such
a good man. I would find reasons to argue and push him
away, but he totally loved me. He asked me to marry him
and at first I accepted but then I changed my mind the
closer our wedding date came. I finally ended the
relationship and asked him to move out. He did and both he
and my children were heartbroken. This was almost nine
months ago. Funny thing about it all is that I truly
regret my decision and wish that I could express my
regrets to him. It is hard because I've dated and he is
currently dating someone else. He told my sister that he
doesn't hold any harsh feelings toward me because of the
way that things ended but I want to know if he still has
feelings for me and could we maybe try again. I don't know
what I expect him to say or feel. Would it be selfish of
me to open the book again when I'm the one who asked for
this? Should I let well enough alone? Please help, Karen |
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A: |
Dear Karen, The only thing worse than never finding
someone special to love, is to find them and let fear
and/or pain push them away. I'm so sorry your fear got the
best of you, and you ended what could have been a lovely
relationship. It seems like you have the subconscious tape
playing that says "Love = Pain" so when a wonderful,
loving man came into your life, you ended the relationship
before the "inevitable" happened - your getting hurt
again. It is sort of an emotional preemptive strike
against a problem that actually doesn't exist.
Now let's get some solutions going for you!
* First of all you HAVE TO start with yourself and heal
your belief that "Love = Pain" in order to allow an
authentic romance to have a chance in your life -
regardless of the man involved or your checkered romantic
past.
* Secondly, please read my Romance Column: "Put
Your Past Behind You" because it will help you start
believing you CAN create a love that lasts. (You CAN you
know!)
* Thirdly, please get my book, "Isle of Fantasies: Secrets
for Creating the Love of Your Life" because it addresses
everything that is standing in your way and will help you
truly create the love you've always wanted by breaking the
old patterns. You can get it on my website @
http://www.passionisland.us/book.php
As far as attempting a reconciliation, you MUST first do
your homework, heal and completely know your own heart and
motivations BEFORE you make ANY move to reconnect with
your ex-fiancé. Few things are more devastating than
anticipating a Wedding and life together, only to have
your lover say they don't want you. I do applaud your man
for remaining kind and understanding thru this all - it
shows why you fell in love with him in the first place.
Once you know WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that you would NEVER
do this to him again, (he DOESN'T deserve that) that he IS
the right one for you, and you can't see your life without
him, contact him. Let him know how very sorry you are,
tell him the information above, and then leave the ball in
his court with NO PRESSURE. Give him time to decide if he
wants to rekindle the romance, and if he does, take it
SLOWLY - you both will be a little skittish and need to
learn to trust one another again.
It certainly is worth a try - that kind of connection
doesn't come along everyday. |
|
Q: |
I am 19 and am attracted to my boss who is at least 35. He
has a long-term girlfriend. But he asks me questions like
"Do you have a boyfriend?" When I'm not talking about
romance or anything like that he brings it up. I just
don't know if it's normal for a boss to act so
unprofessional like that. Since the whole work atmosphere
is quite unprofessional, I'm trying to find excuses for
him like it's just the way he is with everybody. But I'm
not sure. He'd say things like "You're looking at me
differently than casually, do you know me better now?",
"Am I making you nervous?" Does it sound like he's
attracted to me? A part of me wants him to like me, a part
of me doesn't. I don't know what to do.
Sage |
|
A: |
Dear Sage,
STAY AWAY from this man - what he is doing is sexual
harassment, and it's both unethical and illegal. It
doesn't matter if he's attracted to you or not, DO NOT
allow yourself to get involved with him in any way! He is
in a relationship, he's being completely inappropriate,
playing ego games and YOU will be the one who gets hurt.
Please don't even think about going there - his attention
might seem flattering, but it's just manipulation and mind
games!! You deserve better!
|
|
Q: |
Hi Tana, here's my question: There's a girl I met in my
first year of college last year. When I met her, she had a
boyfriend, so we formed a friendship while she was
unavailable. I however knew before I even met her that my
interest would far surpass simple friendship. To make a
long story short, she soon broke up with him, and we began
hanging out almost every day. We would go out to movies or
dinner, and we would "hook up" almost every weekend, but
she insisted that she didn't want a boyfriend. After a few
months of this pseudo-relationship, she heard through
gossiping that I had jealousy issues, and she ended it.
Since then we have made up, and we have talked nearly
everyday for the last three or four months. We are great
friends, but whenever I'm near her I'm just torn with
ambivalence. One part of me is happy with the friendship;
the other is pained with a terrible longing for more. For
example the other night we went to dinner and a movie
together, and sitting next to her in the theater I could
hardly concentrate on the movie. Instead, all I could
think about is how happy it would make me to just hold her
hand, or put my arm around her. How can I try to make the
transition from "hanging out" as friends, to "going out"
in a relationship? I really need help, because I think I
love this girl, and if I miss my chance I will be heart
broken. Thank you.
Patrick |
|
A: |
Dear Patrick, I certainly don't want you to be
heartbroken, so let's see what we can do, OK?
When you two first started dating and said she didn't want
a boyfriend, she probably wasn't over her last
relationship yet and didn't want to promise something she
wasn't ready for. Obviously she has feelings for you, but
by not committing, she was getting the best of both
worlds, a "part-time" relationship when she wanted it that
seems to be working for her, but certainly not for you!
There is one point you made, ("she heard through gossiping
that I had jealousy issues") that concerns me for several
reasons, and I feel you should explore these points:
* Why would she break-up with you because of some idle
gossip?
* DO you have jealousy issues? / How do you display them
if you do? / Did she ever see you become jealous?
* If you don't, then she used that to get distance without
owning-up to her true feelings.
Now that your friendship has been mended, there is still
something in the way of your becoming lovers. To make the
transition, you are going to have to let her know that you
will always be there for her, that her friendship is very
important to you and that you can see more to your
relationship than just being friends. I realize that this
is very risky, but I agree with you, because of your
feelings for her, the ambivalence WILL tear you apart. If
nothing is said, eventually the longing will eat away at
you and something will happen to end it. That would be
quite a waste!
It doesn't sound like you will ever be happy with "just a
friendship" so take a chance. If she feels the same, you
both win; if she doesn't, it's better to know now and save
yourself a lot of heartache in the future. You deserve to
be in a loving relationship with a woman who really wants
to be with you!
|
|
Q: |
I feel like I need some outside advice and thought I would
ask you. Almost a year ago I was dating a man in the
military. I loved him with all of my heart and promised I
would be there for him if and when he was deployed. In
December of 2003 he was stationed in Okinawa, Japan. I
again promised I would be there for him. After he left he
called me often and wrote me every now and then. About two
months after he left the phone calls and letters stopped
coming. I didn't know what to make of it and I was still
madly in love with him. I found out that shortly after he
stopped calling that he had been deployed to Iraq. I
continued to write him every week because of the promises
I had made, but I had come to grips with the idea that our
relationship was over. In July 2004 he returned from Iraq.
I again made a few attempts to contact him, but heard
nothing back. I thought I had finally come to terms at
this point that I was over him. In September 2004 I
received a phone call. Imagine my surprise when I heard
his voice on the other end of the line. To be able to talk
to him again brought back more feelings and emotions than
I ever thought I had for him. He told me that after not
calling for one month he felt like he had screwed up so
bad that he couldn't call me. He told me how much he had
missed me and how sorry he was for hurting me. And now my
question is this: After seeing him again and speaking to
him again I realized how completely in love with him I am.
And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should come
straight out and tell him that I love him or if I should
just continue to be there for him as I have always done
before. I'm just completely confused about the whole
thing. Do you think there's any advice you can offer?
Jessica |
|
A: |
Dear Jessica, I always have advice to offer, thanks for
asking! You made and kept a promise to a man you cared
about, for that I applaud you. The fact that when you
didn't hear from him and decided your relationship was
over was a tad premature. Our military serving in Iraq
have experienced things we as civilians can't even
imagine, and they are to be supported and honored for
their service. Because of that, most of them returning
have to "decompress" and readjust emotionally, that's why
you probably didn't hear from him for awhile when he
returned home. When he did contact you, he was
straightforward with his feelings and told you what was
going on. Kudos to him!
He seems honest and concerned about you and your feelings.
These are characteristics of a great person - I can
understand why you love him so. I think it's time to tell
him how you feel, and let him decide what he can or will
do about it. Continue to be there for him and most likely
he will return the favor romantically. Just give him time
- it might be shorter than you think. |
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