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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

Spring Forward, DON’T Fall Back!

“When you know you are doing your very best within the circumstances of your existence, applaud yourself.”
Appearances

“Spring forward – Fall back” and “April showers bring May flowers” - two popular sayings this time of year, but what do they have to do with love and romance? Allot actually.

Love is not static, it needs to be examined, renewed, celebrated and sometimes pruned like a beautiful tree. Spring is a great time to do just that, clean out your “Romantic Closet” and rid yourself of the things that have not been working for you, regardless of your current romantic status. April showers nourish the seeds waiting to bloom and shortly we see the flowers, as well as the weeds. This analogy works just as well for love; what is planted romantically will inevitably grow, so make sure you’re nurturing the flowers, and not a garden full of weeds and thorns.

So how do you do that? Taking an honest look at your love life, or lack of one, and identify what is/has been amazing and conversely, what isn’t/wasn’t working. Please be honest – we’re NOT going to grade you later. The more honest you can be with yourself, the faster all the appropriate changes can be made.

Please be sure to applaud yourself for all the wonderful things that HAVE been working, because you had a part in that also! We’re so eager to condemn ourselves for our faults and much slower to appreciate the right choices and positive actions we’ve made along the way. Start treating yourself as well as you do your best friend and you’ll see how quickly it telegraphs out into every area of your life! Appreciation invites miracles!

OK, so there MAY have been some mistakes you’ve made in the past, especially when beginning a relationship - so to aid in your Romantic Closet Clean-out, let’s examine some of those nasty little mistakes. I’m going to borrow David Letterman’s Top 10 List to give you a peek into the most common blunders:

The Top 10 Biggest Dating/New Relationship Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them

1. I talked too much and didn’t really ask anything about them.
When one person dominates the conversation, it usually means they’re nervous; they don't like awkward silences and most likely, are insecure and lacks confidence. Or, in too many cases, he or she is oblivious and just doesn't “get it.” Regardless, talking too much about yourself is a turn-off to both sexes. You’re there to learn about the other person, not try to WOW them with how wonderful you are – they’ll get that on their own, just give them a chance!

2. I wasn’t really open emotionally and/or was much too guarded in my actions.
Your date was drop-dead gorgeous; all you could think about was how embarrassing it would be if you screwed up and did or said something wrong. You wanted to make a good impression, but your fear was all they saw. The result? They didn't want to go out with you again, because they never got to know the real, wonderful you.

3. I wasn’t honest about what I wanted and expected from a relationship.
You should've said what you really think and not what you thought your date wanted to hear. Now the first few dates certainly AREN’T the time to haul out a 10-page list of your romantic needs and demands, but they are the time to be as honest and authentic about who you are, what IS important to you and where you’d really like to be romantically in 2-5 years. If marriage is your goal, don’t tell your partner on an early-into-the-relationship date that THEY are “IT”, it’s MUCH too soon - they’ll leave so fast they’ll leave skid marks! But honestly answer “those” questions when they ask you, because they want to know what you want in order to make sure you’ll fit into their long-range plans, and vice versa.

4. I got stupid, sloppy or inappropriate because of alcohol.
One drink would have been enough. Instead, you were so nervous you drank one or two too many and ended up making a fool of yourself. Alcohol is NOT your friend on a first date. Sure, it helps loosen you up, and definitely takes the edge off, but more than one glass can “help” you do or say something you’ll definitely live to regret! Too many potentially great relationships end before they start because healthy people don’t want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. You’re not one? Then don’t pretend to be one on your first few dates – let them get to know the real you first!

5. I should have been less physically demonstrative/aggressive.
Until you really get to know your partner, keep your hands to yourself and don’t be overly touchy-feely. Usually neither men nor women want to be pawed on the first date. Honest shows of affection are wonderful and are an integral part of the bonding process. Chemistry between two people compels us to get close – just use your head, slow down and get to know them first.

6. I didn’t dress appropriately and/or used inappropriate language.
Sexual harassment is the hot topic in the business environment, and usually we don’t think about the same rules on a date, but it is a really good idea to do so. Even though we live in a much more relaxed society, if you’re going to a classy restaurant on your date, dress up for it. If your date is a picnic in the park, sequins aren’t really appropriate, nor are bikinis. “Reality Shows” like “ElimiDate” and “5th Wheel” portray the WORST possible romantic behavior, dress and language. My advice? If you do watch those types of shows, DO THE OPPOSITE! Dress better than the venue calls for, use your best language and let them see the best side of your personality!

7. I should have used better etiquette and more common sense.
If you want to go on future dates with that special someone you’re sitting next to, remember alittle common sense, kindness, compassion, consideration and “Old Fashioned Manners” goes along way! Men, open the door for her, pull out her chair, help her on with her coat, honestly compliment her on her clothing, hair, perfume, and be a gentleman – NO it isn’t anti-Women’s Lib! Women, be authentic, honestly compliment his clothing, cologne, hair, thank him for a lovely evening, and let him know you had a great time. It’s criminal the way people play games in contemporary relationships – STOP IT! Be real, use your head and you will create something real!

8. I was foolish and made impulsive decisions.
If you've been together for only a week (or even a couple months), making substantial changes in your life, like moving to another state to live with them, changing jobs to be geographically closer, or making other major life changes isn't smart. Make sure you really get to know a person, create romantic history - for quite a few months - before uprooting your life.

9. I shouldn’t have tried or pushed so hard.
Showing your partner you care too much too early on in the relationship can knock the relationship out of balance. If they are truly “the one”, they will be so in a month, year or 10 years. You don’t have to pressure them for a premature commitment just to “seal the deal” – it will usually backfire. When you're more serious than your mate, slow down, take a step back and turn down the pressure.

10. I didn’t pay attention to all the Red Flags and warnings from my family and friends.
Your friends screamed, “He's a jerk,” but you ignored them. When he started acting strange, you should have noticed, but you thought, “Love conquers all.” It doesn't. If your best friend tells you “She’s a player,” believe them – usually our family and friends want only the best for us. Sometimes we’re so caught up in the Honeymoon stage of the romance, we can’t see past the great sex to see the real person. Listen to your head, your heart, your family and friends BEFORE you commit to a potentially disastrous relationship. You’ll be glad you did!

What should you do about your past mistakes?
Forgive yourself. Learn from them and forget them. The past is gone, you can't change it, so don't dwell on it. Move forward with sincerity, authenticity and hope.

Cheers!