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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

Give the gift of YOU this Holiday Season

“What we wouldn’t give to know that it is okay not to feel okay….
…and to know that it is okay to feel powerful, magnificent, deserving – even extraordinary.”
Appearances

The holidays are upon us dear friends, replete with all the activities, merriment, stress, childlike joy and seemingly unending obligations that make up this most magical time of year. Please pace yourself and take your vitamins!

Last year I wrote about Avoiding the Holiday Blues, how to take care of yourself and other useful tips to help you thru the season. You can read that column here to get up to speed for this year.

What I’d like to address for the Holidays of 2004 is one of the most disconcerting, reoccurring themes that lately seems to pervade so many conversations I have with clients, colleagues and friends – the “fact” or appearance that relationships have become very FRAGILE. Have you noticed that? There is a sense in too many situations that people are walking on eggs, trying not to say or do the “wrong” thing, afraid of making a mistake and inevitably ending the friendship or relationship over an insignificant trifle. Sound familiar?

Now for the sake of clarification, I’m certainly not speaking of intentionally doing anything heinous to anyone in your life. I’m referring to the feeling that you can’t be yourself, can’t have a “bad hair day” and know that your friends and/or lover will still love you, have a safe place to discuss what’s on your mind without fear of retribution, be allowed to just BE without judgment, and KNOW, with utmost certainty, that your friends today will be lifelong companions, regardless of the bumps in life’s road. The question that concerns me about the state of relationships today is: why have relationships become so fragile?

I know many of you may say, “Well it’s the War, the economy, politics, the state of the World, the unknown, our disposable mentality, instant gratification gone bad, and a myriad of other reasons.” The truth is, you’re right – all these reasons are wonderful excuses for the fragility of modern relationships. But we shouldn’t allow any of those reasons to destroy something that is so special and should be regarded as SACRED – Love, Friendship & all the Special People in our lives.

So why am I bringing this subject up now, at the Holidays? Because this situation has been going on for far too long and now, during this loving, wonderful, crazy season, it’s the perfect time to start to correct this negative trend. It’s the best gift you can give this year - so let’s do it!

In “the olden days” friendships and romances were treated as gifts to be cherished, and certainly had the feeling of being more solid. The phrase “he is my best friend,” “this is my lifelong friend” or “no one could ever come between us” seemed to be more the norm, rather than the exception. People could have spirited debates without worrying that they would be cast out, friends could have friendly disagreements without being concerned that their friendship was in jeopardy, lovers could pursue different hobbies and interests without the constant concern that their romance would drift away, or end abruptly. Regardless of how wild the world was at any given time in the past, there was more of a sense of security within the family, friendships and romances. (Of course, NOT everywhere, all the time, always, but there was more of a pervasive feeling of general solidness.)

Why are modern relationships seemingly so much more Fragile?

We bring to our relationships what we have inside ourselves: you can’t get grape juice out of an apple, no matter how hard you squeeze.

Generally people are feeling less secure about themselves, the world, the future, feeling more fragile, so of course they are bringing that into their relationships. You see it on the news every night, hear it on the radio – uncertainty is everywhere! So if more and more people are feeling their relationships are becoming fragile, it’s time to discuss what can be done to regain that solid, secure, nothin’ can come between us belief and the behaviors that support that belief.

Now, we can’t change the world in one fell swoop, (I’d love if that were possible, but for now I don’t think so) and tomorrow we won’t necessarily awaken to a Utopian planet, so what do we do? We start where we can - with ourselves.

The world is a wild and crazy place, as well as one filled with miracles and magic. What we focus on expands, (we receive more of), so if we are focusing on all the craziness, we can certainly become convinced that things are falling apart, we get more “evidence” that things are bad, so suddenly our outlook becomes pessimistic and the world seems negative, fragile and less supportive. Focus on all the good out there, all the miracles that happen on a daily basis and suddenly you’ll feel strong and optimistic. What you focus on becomes your reality.

So Step #1 to feeling more solid within yourself, and thereby establishing healthier, indestructible relationships, is to focus on the GOOD in your life – REGARDLESS of the appearances to the contrary. One great way to do that is to end your day by verbalizing or writing down at least 5 things you’re grateful for. Do that just before you drift off to sleep – it’s a fabulous way to carry appreciation into your subconscious and create more things to be grateful for the next day. The more solid you feel generally, the harder it will be for those “Fragile Gremlins” to sneak into your life.

Secondly, do an emotional inventory to determine if you’re happy with ALL the people in your life. For anyone who pops up on the radar screen as a Red Flag, or someone who is a definite detriment to you, take the necessary steps to bless and release them – NOW or ASAP.

Fragility in relationships often comes from not being truthful regarding your true feelings about someone. If you‘re not happy someone is in your life, but haven’t been truthful about it, small, insignificant events will trigger a meltdown. Now while that may end the “bad” relationship, it can taint your good relationships also. Best way to avoid that is to be as honest and authentic as possible in EVERY relationship you have.

For those people who are true gifts and wonderful additions to your life, please treat them as such. Let them know how much you love and care about them, how precious their love/friendship is to you, and how much they have added to the quality of your life. Too often we take for granted those amazing people we are lucky enough to know.

Make your good relationships FABULOUS and rock solid by consistently acknowledging how special they are to you. This is one tip you can’t overdo. Does anyone ever get tired of being told they’re wonderful? NO!

Lastly, do whatever you can to eliminate as much stress as possible from your life. I know what you’re probably thinking, “Oh right, eliminate stress when I have SO MUCH to get done before the end of the year? HA!” Yes, I do understand our “To Do Lists” get miles long this time of the year, but start with what you CAN do now and do a more thorough de-stressing after the Holidays.

Why all the fuss about stress? Stress makes everything seem more frenzied, less dependable and ultimately more fragile. See the connection?

With our busy schedules we have less time to devote to any particular activity, and this includes so many of our relationships. If we’re constantly stressed, even great relationships can become irritating, because we’re not relaxed enough to enjoy them. Getting together with someone becomes an obligation, not a joy. Human nature eventually figures out a way to deal with the things that irritate us – we have a falling out and eliminate the “irritant.” Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? Yes it is, but how many of you have lost a friend or lover over an insignificant event, only to realize later how important that person was to you, but now the damage has been done? At the time you were too stressed, overtired, overworked or too fried to deal with the situation. Almost everyone has experienced that loss.

Now, during this beautiful Holiday Season, give the gift of yourself: it’s time to let everyone know how loved and cherished they are, de-stress yourself as much as possible to enjoy the joys, and appreciate the miracles around us.

As I mentioned earlier in the article, solidifying all your special relationships now will ensure you have friends and a romance that you know, with utmost certainty, you can walk into the sunset with.

Let’s leave the “Fragile” label for the crystal.

Happy Holidays!