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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

The Heart of the Matter

Ah, February, a lovely little month, gently tucked between our New Year’s resolutions and Springtime. Innocent enough, one might muse, but how can one little month cause elation in some and be the bane of others? Why is February so wrought with conflicting emotions? Valentine’s Day of course.

It doesn’t matter if you are married, single or somewhere in between, Valentine’s Day makes some sort of impression on everyone – it’s inescapable. At this time of year the media is preoccupied with romance, chocolate, cards and flowers; Flower shops, candy makers, jewelers, card manufacturers and just about everything else “romantic” bombards you with their pleas to “show your love by _________” - you know; buying their goodies, going to their restaurants, giving the gift of _____, anything to show you care the way they want you to.

Now please don’t misunderstand me – I AM, and have always been a Hopeful Romantic – ALWAYS – regardless of the many different stages of my romantic status, and those of my clients. And through the years, I have always held the belief that love IS the answer – only the question changes.

So many of my friends and clients have had such a tough time with V-Day. The most significant thing about this otherwise insignificant little 24 hour period is that it shines a HUGE spotlight on love, and more importantly, YOUR love, (or seeming lack of it). If you are in a marriage, or other committed relationship, V-Day is the ONE day of the year that your partner is supposed to prove their love for you, right? If you’re single, it is the one day that screams that you are ALONE and somehow inferior.

But this begs the obvious question; why is ALL this supposed to be packed into ONE day? Isn’t love supposed to be an ONGOING show of kindness, appreciation, affection and sincere caretaking? I have always felt it is, and that is what I have always taught in my practice.

Interestingly enough, most women don’t realize that many men are not really fans of Valentine’s Day. Men don’t automatically place it on the same “ultimate show of affection” pedestal; don’t think it’s the emotional end-all or zenith of amour. In fact, it puts tremendous pressure on them to figure out what to do, how to satisfy their partner’s expectations and come out looking like a hero. Have you ever wondered why your mate acts so strange around the middle of Feb?

• If a couple is in a new relationship, it’s not uncommon for the male to disappear until after “the day” has come and gone – surfacing later as if nothing has happened. There’s just too much pressure to express emotions he may not be feeling, be ready to admit, or go public with.



• If a relationship is rocky, V-Day seems to exaggerate all the challenges, mistakes and inadequacies within the romance. It’s as if Cupid is standing there calculating the score, and is doesn’t look good.



• If a couple is reconciling, it’s the ideal time to state a renewed commitment to their romantic success; however, BOTH partners must be on the same page.



• Under the best circumstances and in healthy relationships, it’s the perfect opportunity to reaffirm and express undying love, passion and appreciation for one another.

All of this because of one little day - WOW! How did this all start? When did the Valentine's Day frenzy begin? As is true of much of history, scholars tell slightly different versions of the history of this popular holiday, and the actual origins of Valentine's Day are still shrouded in mystery.

According to University of Notre Dame Professor Lawrence Cunninghame, scholars have two main theories to explain how February 14 became synonymous with romance:

*Roman Feast of Lupercalia - This ancient pagan fertility celebration, which honored Juno, queen of the Roman gods and goddesses and goddess of women and marriage, was held on February 14, the day before the feast began. During festival time, women would write love letters, also known as billets, and leave them in a large urn. The men of Rome would then draw a note from the urn and ardently pursue the woman who wrote the message they had chosen.

*Early Christians were happier with the idea of a holiday honoring the saint of romantic causes, than with one recognizing a pagan festival. In 496 A.D., Pope Gelasius named February 14 in honor of St. Valentine as the patron saint of lovers. In 1969, Pope Paul VI dropped it from the calendar, however by then Valentine's Day was here to stay.

So how do you get the most for your emotional investment during this time honored tradition? How do you come thru relatively unscathed, and singing the praises of this magical day? The key is to remember that love is Universal and it exists 24/7/365, regardless of your romantic status. So treat it as a good excuse to treat yourself well, say “I Love You” a few more times than normal, appreciate all the wonderful people in your life, and above all, know that it ISN’T the end of the world if you don’t have the prefect, Fairy Tale romantic experience. Honestly, you WILL live thru it!

Here are some Valentine’s Day Guidelines:

If you’re single, get busy; go out, make plans with your friends, go to a movie or party – do anything fun. DON’T sit at home with your pint of Ben & Jerry’s, feeling like you’re the ONLY single in a world of couples – you’re NOT! SO find something to do that you may have been putting off, or seek out events set-up specifically for Singles. I promise, you CAN make this one of your favorite days also!! There will be plenty of Valentine’s Days ahead to share with that special someone! So treat yourself as the most wonderful person in your life and do something that will delight you.

If you’re in a relationship; tell your partner what you would like to do, experience and receive. Be sure to include several different options and variations for them to choose from. NO, it WON’T spoil the surprise, disprove their love, or make it “too easy” on them. Get out of the school of “if they really love me they should know what I want.” Honest communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship, and it’s better to give them a list of your desires for them to choose from - to your delight – rather than ending the day in tears because they didn’t “guess” correctly.

Take the pressure off BOTH OF YOU! Make this a wonderful, loving, lighthearted day that you will remember with a smile. Too many people place so much emphasis on this having to be THE PERFECT day, that it ruins the romance and magic. Some of the best Valentine stories are from couples that just enjoyed one another, expressed their sincere caring and went with the flow! It ISN’T the ONLY day to show your love for someone – whether friend or lover. If it IS, then you’d better reevaluate your romantic strategy!!

All this being said, here are some tangible things you can do, during and after V-Day, to assure it becomes one of your favorite days:

100 Reasons Why
Write down at least 100 reasons why you love your partner. Be specific and lush with vivid details, then read the list to them while you’re relaxing together. They’ll be so touched and very appreciative.

Revisit the “First ______”
Return to the restaurant where you had your first date, or the park where you first kissed, or hotel where you first made love. Rekindling the feelings you felt during those “firsts” is the perfect way to keep that love alive and thriving.

A Loving Gesture Every Day
Don’t let a day go by without letting your partner know they’re on your mind and in your heart. How? Leave short notes for them to find, send an e-mail or e-card every morning reminding them how special they are, how much you admire them, and always attempt to give them something to start their day with a smile.

Great Simple, Memorable Dates
Be creative – plan a picnic, go to a drive-in, take a moonlight drive, walk on the beach at sunset, recite a poem you wrote, or any other simple activity that will create romantic history and leave lingering memories.

“Ditto”
In the movies “Ghost,” Patrick Swayze couldn’t say “I Love You,” so he said “Ditto.” Create your own personal, intimate word/s that express amour, that can be used anytime and only the two of you know the meanings. It’s very intimate!

Whisper Sweet Nothings
During a quiet, tender moment, whisper how much you value everything your partner does for you, that they’re appreciated and you love them unconditionally. You’ll be surprised what a difference it makes.

Sweet Dreams
Always remember to tell your loved one “sweet dreams” before you leave them, get off the phone, or fall asleep. They’ll remember it when they fall asleep and you'll be the last thing on their mind.

Heart to Heart
Spend time connecting with one other; for instance, lie in one other’s arms and listen to each other’s heartbeat. It’s the most amazing feeling to connect with your partner in this way!

Romance 101
The simplest way to show your love and affection... simply holding hands.

Happy Valentine’s Day!