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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

PUT YOUR PAST BEHIND YOU

As we go into the 2003 New Year, love, romance and togetherness are on minds and lips everywhere. Resolutions abound – living happier, healthier lives; enjoying better relationships; creating a future filled with every imaginable delight………..the list is endless. How do you create all those wonderful hopes and dreams? The answer may surprise you – it’s simply Forgiveness.

Are you ready to live the life you say you want? Ready to let go of the past and race joyfully into your bright future? If so, sit back, relax and read on……….

Love and forgiveness are both essential components of healthy relationships, however forgiveness is one of most overlooked issues for many people - an area feared by some, misunderstood by many, even avoided all costs by others.

Ah, FORGIVENESS-truly the final frontier! What exactly is it? Why do I need to bother with that? Why on earth should I forgive them?

According to Webster’s New World dictionary, the definition of FORGIVE is;
1. To give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon
2. To give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for an offense; overlook
3. To cancel or remit a debt
4. To show forgiveness; be inclined to forgive

One of the reasons so many people feel forgiveness is out of the question is that in their experience, the betrayal or violation was so heinous that they “have to” hold on to the anger or resentment because it is a kind of protection. For some, they feel righteous indignation regarding the event. For others, they’re afraid they’ll lose a part of themselves, lose control or give away their power. Still others simply feel that person simply and unequivocally doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. Ever.

While all these reasons seem logical, holding on to that kind of anger, resentment, pain or hatred, regardless of how justified you are, keeps you tied to that person or event. The truth is, RELEASING THEM FREES YOU! I want to repeat that one more time because this really important - FORGIVING THEM RELEASES YOU!

How does this happen in the first place? Every time you fall in love and give someone your heart, your soul, you essentially drop your guard and become vulnerable. That vulnerability is an integral part of love. In healthy relationships, that warm, wonderful, vulnerable part of you is cherished and protected. We all know how wonderful it is to curl up with our lover feeling safe and comfortable telling them about our shady past, deepest fear or our heartfelt hopes and dreams. What about your closest friends? For most of us, we feel safe sharing our intimate secrets, daydreaming together or catching up on the latest gossip. We never even think about being betrayed by someone close to us.

So you’re out there, living your life, and WHAM! Your lover, partner, family member or friend, hurts you, betrays you or abuses the relationship in some way. You feel as if the wind has just been knocked out of you! Usually your first reaction is shock and denial - you can’t believe what just happened! This is usually followed by tears, anger, physical pain or emotional shut down. You have now gone into “emotion shock”- it’s very similar to the physical shock you experience after some kind of physical trauma to the body.

The next step is VITAL. After the initial shock has worn off, it’s important to objectively analyze what just happened.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Was this one major violation or a series of smaller ones?
2. Has this been a pattern with the individual or did it come out of left field?
3. Was it something they did in response to an ongoing problem in your relationship or was it completely unrelated and unexpected?

At this point you have only one of two choices to make: Stay with your partner, maintain the friendship, or connection with your family member and start to rebuild the trust, getting back to status quo. OR, take the necessary steps to sever the relationship completely. Regardless of which choice you make, forgiveness is an absolutely essential element for your continued health and happiness.

OK, lets start with your decision to end the relationship - what do you do? First thing is to allow yourself to go through the mourning process. It is natural and healthy to do this. Cry if you need to, surround yourself with the love of friends and family, and take very, very good care of yourself. If it’s the end of love relationship, get busy with hobbies, go get a massage, find a support group, get counseling if you need it, and do everything you can to nurture yourself. If it is a friend or family member who betrayed you or violated the relationship, tell your partner what you need from them physically and emotionally to help you heal.

The next thing - oh yes, you knew this was coming - is to start the Forgiveness process. Every time you suffer any kind of hurt in a relationship, and you don’t heal the pain and forgive, you develop defenses against ever feeling that kind of pain again. You begin to use your “Never Statements”:
1. I’ll never fall in love again.
2. I will never let anyone get that close to me again.
3. I’ll never trust anyone again.
Sound familiar? This is an experience I call getting stuck in the LAND OF DIMINISHING RETURNS. I’m going to talk about this later in the article. The most powerful first step in forgiving is to recognize that you are in pain.

Here are some of the effects of not recognizing you’re hurting:
Anger; Denial; Insomnia; Depression; Physical Illness; Loss of Appetite; Substance Abuse; Emotional Instability; Emotional or Physical Outbursts; Headaches or Migraines; Becoming Out of Touch With Reality. Wow - and you thought it was “just a little anger.” So please make a conscious decision that you are willing to heal your pain and forgive the perpetrator.

The next step, and one of the most difficult for many people, is to forgive any and all of the perpetrators. I realize that many of the deeds may have been so horrendous that the mere thought of forgiving them is repugnant to you - but in order to truly get on with your life you must forgive and release them. Holding on to any amount of resentment and pain only imprisons you and keeps you tied to that person and event. Please remember, even though their actions or deeds seems unforgivable to you - FORGIVING THEM RELEASES YOU!

One of the simplest ways I have found to do this is by using a writing exercise I want to give you - yes here’s some homework; On a piece of paper, write down the person’s name that you’re forgiving and next to that, write your statement of forgiveness.

For instance let’s say you’re going to be forgiving John - you can write:
“ I now forgive John who hurt me by _________________________.”

When filling in the blank, be very specific about what happened and how it affected you. Repeat this process for everyone who has ever hurt you. Remember this proves is for your eyes only. So please be extremely honest, very specific and pour your heart out!

I realize that for many of you, you are nowhere near ready to do this process - that’s OK, just be willing to be willing to do it at some point in the future. And if you’re not ready to do that, just be good to yourself, work through the feelings as best you can and tell yourself that even though that rotten SOB doesn’t deserve it, you deserve to be released from them emotionally. If you can’t forgive them entirely, pick some small element of the event that you can forgive and start from there. The main thing is to start the process.

One other great process I’d like to give you is something I call “THE STATEMENT OF FINAL RELEASE.” So often when a relationship ends because of a violation, there are things that you may have wanted to ask or say, but never got the chance to. Usually the person who was left, has a tremendous amount of anger, confusion or resentment that they need to express to their ex-partner, friend or family member. Unfortunately, under normal circumstances in the real world, the ex will not give you the opportunity to express those feelings.
Do any of these statements sound familiar?
1. “I am so angry at you for leaving me-I feel so betrayed!”
2. “You’ve hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has!”
3. “I helped you become the success you are now, and you leave me for someone else – how could you?”
4. “You were my best friend, I trusted you, and you stabbed me in the back.”

Since these people will never give you the opportunity to say what you’re feeling to their face, the next best thing to do is to write it down. Like in the first exercise, write down their name and next to it; write down everything you want to say to them. Be as specific as you want and express exactly how you’re feeling about them - both of these exercises are for your eyes only, so really roll up your sleeves, get down and dirty, and say everything you’ve always wanted to say. I promise you this will give you closure and release you from these people.

(This article contains excerpts from “Isle of Fantasies: Secrets for Creating the Love of Your life” by Tana Marie & Robert Misrack)