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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

WHY DO WOMEN FALL FOR MARRIED OR UNAVAILABLE MEN?

You’re madly in love with him, but there’s one catch – He’s Married!
He treats you like a Queen – you can’t believe he’s real – but you find out he’s Engaged!

You aren’t interested in him UNLESS he’s Married – WHY is that?

Affairs have been around about as long as relationships have - but today I want to focus on one aspect of it; Women who fall in love with married or unavailable men.

As women take on more and more prominent roles in society, there has been a growing tendency for them to take on attitudes and behaviors, which in the past were associated primarily with men. Getting involved in relationships that don’t have the possibility of going anywhere is one pattern that I see becoming increasingly prevalent.

Falling for, or getting involved with, someone who is otherwise attached, using normal rationale or logic, is futile. Historically, in 80 to 90% of the cases the romance only ends in heartbreak, so why are more and more women getting involved in this?

Why do women fall in love with married or unavailable men?

• FEAR OF INTIMACY: When involved with a married man, the couple never really becomes intimate in the truest sense of the word. Typically there isn’t enough time to bear your soul, really say what’s on your mind share memory making experiences on a regular basis or do anything “normal.” All of those experiences are the cornerstones of authentic intimacy. Because this type of affair is generally fast-paced and activity centered, the person who’s afraid of intimacy has found a great place to hide and remain emotionally disconnected.



• THEY BELIEVE THEY CAN’T DO ANY BETTER: I’ve seen so many singles give up believing that there is an ideal partner out there for them, so getting involved with someone who is not emotionally available, who gives them only moderate amounts of time and attention, is “ better than nothing.”



• LOW SELF-ESTEEM: When a woman has low self-esteem, often she’ll choose someone who is unavailable, because it supports the belief that she doesn’t deserve anyone better, or could even attract anyone else, such as someone who could love her completely and be there for her 24/7.



• TREATED BETTER THAN BY SINGLE MEN: I can’t tell you how many women have told me this; Out there in the dating pool, women often meet single men who are not ready for a monogamous relationship, are afraid of intimacy, still in player mode, or have a belief that a good woman is a dime a dozen. These women oftentimes will find a man who’s married or otherwise committed, knowing these men will treat them better than their single counterparts, because the men know it’s the only way these women will stay with them.



• DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT COMMITTING OR GETTING MARRIED: If a woman is in player mode and not ready to settle down, she will often look for a man who is already in a committed relationship so she can play, have sex and not have to worry about making a commitment.



• THEY WANT THE LIFESTYLE THE MAN HAS: Ahhh the grass is greener syndrome! These women like the image of the lifestyle the man has, and they believe that if they have an affair with him, somehow magically they too, will have this lifestyle. In 98% of the cases this doesn’t happen.



• TO GET EVEN WITH OR PUNISH A CURRENT SPOUSE OR BOYFRIEND: What better way to punish a husband then to go out and have an affair with another man, especially a married man? This type of get-even game usually ends disastrously! In order for this game to be effective, somehow the truth has to “slip out,” and when it does usually all hell breaks loose. So often it actually destroys both of the primary relationships - so 4 people, (and both families) actually end up getting hurt.



• CO-WORKERS WORKING CLOSELY TOGETHER OR TRAVELING TOGETHER: People are spending longer hours at the office, and quite often sexual tension starts to build. A single woman might look at her married co-worker and think how fun a tryst might be. This feeling is amplified tenfold when the same co-workers have to go on a business trip together. This is much more dangerous because they’re out of their normal environment, away from home and the prying eyes of anyone who might gossip.



• HOPE OF A FUTURE RELATIONSHIP - HOOKED ON PROMISES: Women will “hang out in hope” for extended periods of time, waiting to relive some magic that she experienced with her man once upon a time. Men typically don’t do this, because they have more of the “what you see is what you get” attitude. Women will hold out, almost indefinitely, waiting for promises directly expressed or implied to come to fruition. They have the ability to see the potential in someone, and so often will wait for years for him to leave his wife, current girlfriend or the job that occupies 99% of his time. Statistically 85 - 90% of the time this will never happen.



• DISCONTENT WITH CURRENT RELATIONSHIP: So things aren’t going as well at home as you would like, so why don’t we spice up our life by going out and finding someone who was already committed, because they’ll never turn around and ask you to leave your current partner - or will they?



• TIRED OF BEING SINGLE: There just aren’t any good men out there anymore, and Mr. Right is somewhere in Tahiti right now. “The good ones are either married or gay” - for so many single women who are tired of being single, they’re ready to start an affair with the next viable person who comes along, unfortunately it gets really tricky if that person is married.

PERCEIVED BENEFITS OF FALLING IN LOVE WITH MARRIED OR UNAVAILABLE MEN

• HOOKED ON EXCITEMENT:
  
  NOT KNOWING: You never know when he’s going to call, where you can meet, or how long you’re going to have together - and for many women this can be amazingly exciting. By not knowing you also get into a pattern of fantasizing and daydreaming about what he’s going to do, where you’re going to go, and how fabulous it’s going to be.
  
  RENDEZVOUS & CLANDESTINE MEETINGS: The breathless excitement of the rendezvous, breaking up an otherwise boring day at the office, living out a romance novel story line, and having something to muse about later, all add to the excitement of this lifestyle.
  
  GETTING CAUGHT: So many people feel that the fear of getting caught actually enhances their sexual experience. There are fabulous stories about people having sex in elevators, airplanes, restaurants, on the beach, and other public places say that there is a heightened sense of passion and excitement- the fear of getting caught is an integral part of having an affair with a married man, and this can be stimulating for one or both of the parties.
   



• GIFTS ARE GIVEN MORE OFTEN:
  
  This is highly attractive for many single women - oftentimes if a man is married or otherwise committed, he will lavish extravagant gifts on the woman he’s having an affair with. The reasons are as varied as the people engaged in this. Some of the reasons are:
  
  He knows that gift-giving is one of the best ways to keep the woman coming back.
  
  It’s a way for him to dispel his guilt.
  
  He knows there’s a lot of competition from men who can actually offer a full relationship to this woman, so the gifts are an attempt to keep her satisfied with the part time relationship he offers her.
  
  And lastly, often if a single woman is looking to have an affair with a married man, she will actively seek out a man who is financially secure, knowing that the gifts are going to be a substantial perk in this affair.
   



• SEX IS GREAT:
  
  This seems to be the consensus with everyone I’ve talked to about affairs - the sex is always phenomenal. Of course it is, because you don’t have any of the day to day issues to deal with; it’s simply, swing for the fences, go for broke, let your hair down, give it all you got, unbridled lust, passion and fun. For men it’s a chance to take off the yoke of everyday responsibilities and for the woman it’s a chance to be more experimental and play out some of her sexual fantasies.
   



• COMMUNICATION CAN BE BETTER THAN WITH CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:
  
  One of the major complaints that I hear all the time from established couples is that their communication isn’t solid or satisfied. Oftentimes in an affair, it appears the couple has fabulous communication, because usually their interactions either in person or on the phone have to be very focused, direct, and goal oriented. This is the basis for good communication - but it certainly doesn’t take into consideration normal everyday communication that an established couple would have.
   



• RELIEVES BOREDOM:
  
  Regardless of a woman’s marital status, if she is bored with her current situation she may look at having a fling in order to break the monotony of her everyday life. Finding someone who’s married or unavailable, for her might be a great choice, because she won’t have to change her life style if she doesn’t want to.
   



• MORE CONCENTRATED ATTENTION IS PAID:
  
  This is probably one of the major reasons women have affairs with married men, because their time together is short and sporadic so when they are together she gets his undivided attention. This is amazingly attractive for many women, especially those who have had boyfriends or husbands who ignored or abused them. Having a loving, doting man is the goal for most women, and some feel they have to have an affair with a married man to get it.
   



• HONEYMOON ALL THE TIME:
  
  The couple gets to laugh, play, enjoy one another, and experience that honeymoon phase that exists at the beginning of every new relationship. The illusion is that with these affairs, often the honeymoon phase goes on a little longer than in “normal” relationships because the couple is simply getting together to enjoy one another.
   



• MORE SEXUALLY EXPERIMENTAL:
  
  This is an interesting phenomenon because quite often one or both of the people in this situation let their hair down and feel they can experiment more sexually then they would in their primary love relationship. This is partly because the role definitions of each of the partners is not as well set as in the traditional relationship, they may feel this is a great place to experiment because it’s not going to be permanent, or the couple might be more in sync sexually than with their primary love relationship.
   



• SOMETHING TO DO UNTIL THE RIGHT ONE COMES ALONG:
  
  She knows he’s already attached, and isn’t necessarily looking for him to be the one, so many women feel this is a great thing to do “in between.” In between? Yes, in between being single and the right one showing up on your doorstep.
   



• OPPORTUNITY TO BE A CAREGIVER:
  
  “My wife just doesn’t understand me!” So many single women fall for this line when they meet a married man, because they think it’s their golden opportunity to be the caregiver and give this man what his wife has overlooked. This also makes the woman feel important, valuable and worthwhile, because she’s contributing to the well being of someone.

Regardless of how attractive becoming involved with a married or unavailable man may appear, there are severe DOWNSIDES!

SOME OF THE MANY DOWNSIDES

• NOT THE LAST CALL & EVENINGS, WEEKENDS, AND HOLIDAYS ALONE:  
  
  Generally it’s a lonely life for the woman who falls in love with a married man. She’s not the last call of the day, oftentimes spending evenings, weekends, and holidays alone, and never really able to depend on him because if an urgent matter comes up in his life, she once again gets put on the back burner. She is NEVER #1 in his life.
   



• COULD BE MISTRESS #2 OR 3:
  
  The interesting Catch-22 of the situation is often if a man is going to have an affair while he’s married or otherwise committed, he’ll have a more than one mistress, and then the woman finds herself 5TH or 6TH on his list - not 2ND or 3RD.
   



• INTRIGUE & LIES:
  
  While for many the intrigue is exciting, at least for a while - but eventually all the intrigue and lies start to weave a web that is frustrating and tedious even for the most seasoned individual.
   



• NO SECURITY OR LONGEVITY:
  
  Falling for a committed man offers no security or longevity in almost all cases. If he’s married and intends to stay with his wife, there’s absolutely no longevity or security there. If he’s married and says he’s going to leave his wife some day, the woman hangs out in hope indefinitely and that certainly doesn’t produce any security. And finally, if he does leave his wife for her, many times he’s so guilt ridden about the affair that he ends up running off and marrying someone else. Time is precious, and it is really a shame to waste your future waiting for something that probably won't happen.
   



• MORAL IMPLICATIONS:
  
  I can go on for days about the moral implications about falling in love with a married man - everything from religious, to social, to traditional taboos and beliefs regarding how inappropriate it is to approach or get involved with someone who is already committed to another. Suffice it to say that is NEVER a good idea to get involved with someone who is already married regardless of what you think the outcome may be.
   



• UNMET EXPECTATIONS:
  
  Unmet expectations are huge issues in every kind of relationship - let alone a situation where many of the promises are implied, plans are made that never come to fruition, dreams are broken, and many fantasies are shattered. One of the biggest unmet expectations in this type of situation is “If he loves me enough he’ll leave his wife.” DON’T buy into that one!
   



• CONTRIBUTING TO AFFAIR STATISTICS:
  
  Statistically over 53% of marriages in this country today and in divorce, and more than 50% of all spouses are victims of infidelity - interesting correlation?
   



• SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES - STDs:
  
  Infidelity has many tragic consequences, not to mention all of the sexually transmitted diseases out there.
   



• ON-LINE CHEATING & ADULTERY ON THE INTERNET:
  
  Falling in love on the Internet can be even more devastating than falling for someone in person. There are thousands of stories of women who have fallen in love with men on the Internet and found out later they were married or otherwise committed. The Internet is an interesting enigma - you have the potential for meeting many more people then you would in person, many people feel freer to share more intimate details about themselves, there’s the illusion that you get to know someone very quickly, and yet it’s a fabulous place for someone to hide, play games, or lie through their teeth. Either way the smart individual does allot of investigative work before becoming involved.
   



• SOLUTIONS TO FALLING FOR MARRIED OR UNAVAILABLE MEN
  
  If you meet someone and find out they’re married, run screaming! The best way NOT to get hurt in the situation is to never get involved with an unavailable man in the first place.
  
  If the two of you fall in love and he is married or otherwise committed, play it smart and do some investigative work. Find out if he is truly unhappy in a bad marriage or if he’s just bored wants to play a little.
  
  If it is a bad marriage and he truly wants out, give him a time limit. Do not get physically involved until he actually does leave. The time limit is the length of time you are willing to wait to see if he actually leaves the relationship. Too many women get involved based solely on his promises that never come to fruition.
  
  If you’re in it simply for the excitement, get a grip on yourself! Get into some counseling or other type of therapy and find out why you’re going after someone who is not available to you and then find someone with whom you can create a viable romance.
  
  If you thought this was love, he promised you the moon, loved you and then kicked you to the curb - take a very good care of yourself! Find a support group, go pamper yourself, take a vacation or do whatever it takes to release, forgive, and get on with your life.

After having consulted thousands of couples with a myriad of marital conflicts, I’m absolutely convinced that a spouse’s unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. It’s worse than physical or verbal abuse, worse than sexual abuse and even worse than any other heinous activity you can imagine. To understand what I’m saying and agree with my statements, you only need to go through it once. For most people it’s absolutely and completely devastating. Yet over 50% of all spouses are victims of infidelity, which means that one spouse in most marriages will suffer the greatest marital pain possible at some time during their life. It’s no wonder that the divorce statistics and statistics regarding affairs are almost equal.

Be good to yourself - find someone who has the right to be there with you and fulfill the promises that are made. Consider your potential pain and the number of innocent people who will be hurt in this sort of exchange. There are a myriad of wonderful men who are single, available, ready and willing to create an enviable romance with you.

Don’t be part of the problem, become one of the magical solutions!