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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE?

Why do fools fall in love? Ahhh, the million-dollar question. The question posed in song, poetry, and verse. Was it love at first sight or did the relationship slowly build? So why DO people fall in love?

Many people fall in love because they found someone who fits their “type.” “Type” can be described as chemistry, sexual attraction, and/or animal magnetism. It’s a fascinating study because we fall in love with certain types of individuals for many different reasons - some of the reasons might surprise you. So let’s explore the different types of “type”:

A Type Similar To That of a Parent or Other Family Member:   We select this type of person because there’s a feeling of comfort and familiarity about them. Traditionally your mother and father were the first caregivers you experienced, so finding someone that that reminds you of them is the most common type of person most people look for when establishing a love relationship.

A Movie or TV Star, Models in Magazines or Other Media:  Usually if it’s a celebrity who is your “type,” you’ve had a positive experience with a family member or early caregiver, and usually something about them reminds you of that special person. You might be drawn to their beautiful eyes that remind you of your father or the warm engaging smile that brings back childhood memories of your mother.

The “Opposite” Type:  This phenomenon has always fascinated me because it is a reaction to negative feelings regarding childhood role models. For instance, if you had negative experiences with an early caretaker, subconsciously your “type” will become their polar opposite. For instance, if you had a bad relationship with your father, and he had jet-black hair, dark smoldering eyes and an olive complexion - you might gravitate toward the blonde, blue eyed, beach boy. For the men out there, if you had a lousy childhood with a mother that had flaming red hair, was flamboyant and dressed provocatively - most likely your type will be a fair haired woman who is proper and dresses conservatively. We tend to gravitate to people who make us feel comfortable. If we had negative experiences with our parents, First Love, or even a close friend, we’ll seek out someone romantically who is completely different so not to remind us of the pain associated with the “negative” person or experience.

After understanding type selection, the next element to consider is that there are basic human emotions all people need in order to feel happy and fulfilled. If someone feels they’re lacking in any of these emotions, they’ll usually search for someone who can fulfill these needs, and they’ll do so either consciously or unconsciously. I call these needs your EMOTIONAL IMPERATIVES, because they’re essential to your health, happiness and well-being – especially in the context of a love relationship. (One way to create a solid foundation is by consistently filling your partner’s greatest emotional needs.)

WHY DO PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE?

THE NEED FOR LOVE:  The need for love is as basic a drive as our need for food and shelter. Almost everyone on the planet has the desire and drive to have love in their life. Our mother loved us - because of that she fed us, clothed us, and kept us safe - so most people equate love with survival. Actually, that’s not far from the truth in the larger sense of the word.

THE NEED FOR COMFORT & SAFETY:  After the need for love, the need to feel safe and comfortable is a huge driving force for most people. We choose our friends because we are comfortable with them. We also consider the safety issues in a practical manner when selecting the car we drive, the home we live in, even the helmets and kneepads worn when cycling or rollerblading. Most people want and need to feel safe and comfortable in their environment.

THE NEED FOR STABILITY & SECURITY:  One of the main reasons someone will seek a more mature partner is the stability, security and peace of mind they bring to the relationship. The world is moving faster, becoming crazier and more uncertain every day, so it’s the feeling of certainty that is often highly prized.

THE NEED FOR APPRECIATION:  People need to be recognized for their unique gifts, qualities, personality and accomplishments. Being sincerely appreciated by your partner makes everyone feel special, valuable and a worthwhile human being.

THE NEED FOR BELONGING:  While a person may enjoy the feeling of being special as an individual, they usually have a desire to feel the special connection of being an integral part of a team, family, partnership, school, church, organization or community.

THE NEED FOR A COMPELLING FUTURE:  For love to last there has to be growth. Most people long for a partner they feel will be a major part of creating a brighter and more exciting future.

THE NEED TO GIVE:  Real love involves both giving and receiving. Like a great performer, a person is inspired to greatness by a partner who is a warm, receptive and supportive audience.

THE NEED TO COMMUNICATE:  It’s a basic human need to communicate - not just talk, but to know that what you’re saying is being heard and understood. So often you hear the phrase “my wife just doesn’t understand me.” While many times it’s just a good pick-up line, often it is the truth at a very deep level. Women complain that their husbands or boyfriends don’t listen to them either. Think about the most important people in your life, and usually they’re the ones you can be yourself with and really talk to.

THE NEED FOR INTIMACY:  To feel safe, nurtured and able to let your guard down is essential - that’s why so many people mistake sex for intimacy. The need for intimacy is as basic a drive as the need for sex.

THE NEED TO FEEL WHOLE & COMPLETE:  Most people are looking for their soul mate, and the reason it’s such an intriguing quest is by definition, a soul mate is your “other half,” or the person that “completes” you. People tell me all the time that they want someone in their life because they feel empty, lonely and incomplete.

WHY DO MEN FALL IN LOVE?

There’s an old saying that a woman will give sex to get love, and a man will give love to get sex. This plays a very important role in determining why men fall in love. Men and women do fall in love differently, and for different reasons. So, why do men fall in love? I’ve asked thousands of men over the years that very question and some of their answers are very interesting!

• Remember that great line from the movie Jerry McGuire? “YOU COMPLETE ME.” This is one of the primary reasons that a man falls in love with a woman - she makes him feel whole and complete.

• Rapport: one of the simplest reasons people fall in love is because they feel comfortable and in sync with their partner. This happens because rapport has been established, usually very early on in the relationship. The best way establish rapport with someone, especially someone you’re interested in is to watch their body language, listen to how they talk, and then the model their behaviors and speech patterns.

• Often a long-standing friendship evolves into a romance simply out of the habit of having the other person there. Both people comfortable with one another, they have allot in common, shared history, interests and that easily develops into love. *I still feel this is one of the best ways to develop a long-lasting love relationship.

• Because the woman they’ve just met reminds them so much of their mother, first love, or deceased spouse. I’ve seen in this so many times, the new partner looks or acts so much like an old lover that it’s almost eerie. I performed a wedding a few years ago for a widowed male client of mine and his fiancée - if I closed my eyes and listened to this new woman talk, she sounded so much like his deceased wife that it gave me chills. The woman he was about to marry was so similar in personality, physical characteristics and even subtle mannerisms, that it truly was a case of “same woman - different body.”

• Many men need a caretaker and will convince themselves that they’re in love, or actually fall in love in order to fill that need, or void, in their life. Another old adage is that women can live alone, but men can’t. Well that’s not true in every case, there are millions of single, divorce or widowed men out there living happy, productive lives, however, few things are as sad as seeing a lonely old man sitting alone on a park bench. Women typically just seem to do better on their own, especially later in life.

• The rest of the gang did it, so shouldn’t I? OK, so he’s the last of his college buddies to get married - remember everyone wants to feel like they belong, so most men don’t want feel like a loser in the game of love.

• There’s pressure, expressed either directly or indirectly, from family, clergy, friends, culture and tradition, to find a partner, get married and have children.

• The promise of a better lifestyle if he finds and lands the rich widow, heiress, or the boss’s daughter. Ahh, marrying for money - there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you honestly love the person - not the money. If you go into it just for the sake of the money, you’ll end up wandering around a lovely home feeling cold and empty inside, because you don’t have an authentic emotional connection with your partner.

THE FIVE UNIVERSAL LAWS OF LOVE

THE LAW OF DESTINY:  Your decisions about what to focus on and what you will or will not do, will ultimately determine your destiny. While the unenlightened will continue to rely on luck, the wise ones will make good decisions so they can reap the rewards of a great love life.

THE LAW OF RECIPROCATION:  If someone’s to feel cherished by their partner, they need to understand and appreciate their partner first. If you tend to criticize, condemn, or complain about your partner, there’s very little chance of being cherished in return. Seek to be more understanding and less judgmental and you’ll start turning things around in your love life.

THE LAW OF INDIRECT EFFORT:  Seek too hard and you shall not find. In order to find the right partner; be sure that you are not too direct in your approach. Change your focus beyond the idea of “catching a mate,” to becoming a more loving, attractive and charismatic person - that way you’ll have a better chance of gaining the side benefit of receiving the love of the right person.

THE LAW OF AVERAGES:  For a given number of attempts, there are a certain number of successes. In the dating pool, it’s not the ratio that matters, but what does matter is the actual number of successes. You can increase your number of successes by increasing your number of attempts-and by getting better at what you do and who you are. What this means to the enlightened individual is to succeed at love you must never give up and more importantly, get better at loving.

THE LAW OF LOVE:  In order to receive the love of others, you must first love yourself. You can’t give the gift of love to another person unless you already possess that gift yourself. Develop more compassion for yourself and decide to love and except yourself for who you are now. Only then will you be in a position to give and receive love.