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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

CREATING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE:
You Can’t Get What You Want Until You Know What You Want

The best way to create the love that you want is to start at the beginning. The essential first step is to know exactly what you want in your ideal love relationship and not be afraid to ask for what you really need. Remember the old saying, “If you don’t know where you’re going-you’re already there”, or “If you don’t know what you want-you already have it.” Love relationships work the same way.

We have been so conditioned through myths, movies, poetry and romantic songs that love’s supposed to “just happen” - magically. Well that is true essentially, but the better prepared you are to enter your ideal love relationship, the easier and more smoothly you will create it in your life. Remember, romantic chemistry and mythology of love does exist- but you will have a much better chance of success in a relationship with someone who fulfills your dreams, needs and desires.

THE SHELL GAME VERSES THE SEARCH FOR ESSENCE
Where do we start? The first thing is to recognize what I call “The Shell Game Verses the Search for Essence.” The shell game is just that -looking and focusing only on the shell, (physical appearance only), of the person, without realizing that the essence is what you’re truly going for. Many people who play the Shell Game usually end up disappointed, angry, and convinced that there are no good women out there or all men are slugs.
How does this happen? The problem starts when people search for a certain physical appearance, without realizing that form changes but essence stays the same. In civilian terms, that means the love people share in healthy, long-term relationships, stems from compatible personality traits; shared interests and values; a true, deep and lasting friendship and a sincere love of being together. The important thing to remember is that physical chemistry is an integral part of a good relationship. However, what I’m talking about is; if you search only for that physical chemistry, you’ll most likely end up disappointed in the long run. So many people come to me weeks or months into a new relationship complaining that their new partner is not trustable, they’re not comfortable with them, they don’t feel like they can be themselves around the other person, and a myriad of other issues. They liked what they initially saw, never took the time to get to know the other person and then once that initial rush of passion subsided, they were left staring at an absolute stranger. Well guess what, we’re going to make sure that you get what you want - both on the outside as well as the inside!

DREAM SHEET / WISH LIST
OK, let’s get down to business. Get out a pad of paper and a pen because it’s time for a writing process. I call this the Dream Sheet or the Wish List. Remember the saying “you can’t have what you want unless you ask for it?” Well, the more specific you are when you ask, the outcome will be closer to what you really desire.
The sad truth is that most people spend more time planning a 2-week vacation or selecting the features for their new car, than they do thinking about the elements of their ideal love relationship. When you start to compile your Dream Sheet, ask yourself the following question; What Do I Need To Be Completely Happy In My Ideal Love Relationship? Think about it, because this is a very important question - What Do You Really Need To Be Completely Happy In A Love Relationship?

It’s amazing how many people really don’t analyze their wants and needs in regards to relationships. I promise you - if you do nothing else but look at your heartfelt wants, needs and desires, you will create a much better relationship. This applies to both singles and couples. If you are single, it will help you bring in the type of person you really want, and if you’re already in a relationship, it will help strengthen it. Remember ask, ask, ask for what you want - otherwise you may not get it.

All right, you’re ready now to write out your Dream Sheet. You’ve analyzed what your needs are in your most ideal relationship, and now it’s time to articulate them.
As you’re doing this, keep in mind some of these guidelines;
• Clearly define the characteristics of the person you want to spend your life with.
• Ask yourself; what are their greatest strengths, talents, and personality traits?
• What are their attitudes about life and love, their physical characteristics?
• What kind of relationship do they have with their family and what hobbies and interests do they have?
The whole idea of doing your Dream Sheet is to get crystal clear about what your needs and expectations are and to be honest enough with yourself to recognize that you do need certain things from your partner in order to be happy.

One of the major pitfalls I see in relationships is that as a single person, too often, loneliness sets in and they make statements like “ I just want somebody in my life”, or “ I just want somebody to love”, or “ if I’m such a great person, why am I alone?” Please remember this key point - you will be lonelier in a bad relationship than being alone. What we’re doing here is helping you create a relationship that will remain loving, passionate, healthy and is one you can walk happily into the sunset with. There are lots of somebody’s out there; a lot of “Shells” walking around the planet, but that doesn’t mean that just because you have a warm body beside you, you’re going to be happy. As a matter of fact, too many people are in love relationships by default. They didn’t know specifically what they wanted, or they didn’t believe they deserved to have that wonderful person, or they had just given up on love and figured something is better than nothing.

Settling never works! Ever. We’re going for True Love, swing for the fences, catch the brass ring, being so happy in your relationship that you glow, and being grateful every day that that person is in your life, loving you. Everyone deserves that kind of love. Remember most people believe love is supposed to “just happen”, well that’s true in the smaller picture, but essentially is not true in the larger one. Don’t let yourself get caught up in the belief that somehow you’ll jinx it if you clarify your needs. Nothing is further from the truth, as a matter of fact by getting clear on what you want, you’re actually giving old Cupid a helping hand. There is magic in the right relationship, and knowing what you want is the best way to assure that you get to experience that magic! Love is not supposed to hurt. If you’re in pain, something is dreadfully wrong.

OK, so now you have your Dream Sheet before you, what on earth do you do with it? You fold it up, put it in an envelope and put it away. For you singles out there, your Dream Sheet serves as a sorting process or guide for selecting the right kind of candidates when you’re out in the dating pool. For instance let’s say you have on your Dream Sheet, “loves animals and has a close loving relationship with his family.” You’re sitting across the dinner table on your first date and he tells you that he is extremely allergic to animals – hates them in fact, and hasn’t spoken to his family in years because they’re all good for nothing SOB’s - instantly you have two red flags that you had better pay attention to.

I see this much too often - people in the dating arena ignore red flags when they see or hear them. If a man tells you that you’re too good for him, believe him! If he spouts off a laundry list of faults his last 5 girlfriends had, Run Screaming! He will be no different with you! Don’t think, “Well I’ll show him the love he obviously hasn’t gotten before, and he will love me SOOO much, he’ll change!” If you hear yourself saying that, get up from the table, go to the restroom and Get a Grip! Stop making excuses for the wrong person, just because you want a date on Saturday night!

If a woman tells you that she has problems with intimacy, her life is falling apart and she’s never been able to stay with a man longer than three months, believe her! Don’t think, “Oh good, I have a project! She’ll be SO grateful when I fix her!” If you hear yourself saying that, get up from the table, go somewhere quiet and Get a Grip!

One of the greatest pitfalls in creating relationships is to overlook the signs and signals that we know won’t work for us. That goes back to the feeling of “I just want somebody in my life. No you don’t! You want the IDEAL person in your life.

For those of you already in a couple, the Dream Sheet will be priceless in helping you fine-tune your relationship. To often when we get into a relationship we give up parts of our self “for the sake of the relationship.” We forget some of the things we really wanted before our partner came along. Doing the Dream Sheet, even if you’ve been in a relationship for one month or 20 years, you’ll find there’s always room for improvement. Recognizing some of the things that you really want and need to be absolutely happy, you have a better chance of creating that with your partner. Just remember that you’re on a journey of love and your Dream Sheet is the road map.