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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

DATING WARS: Surviving On-Line Personals & the Dating Pool

• Are you tired of all the romantic games people play?
• Do you feel like there are just too many sharks out there in the dating pool?
• Afraid you're going to get hurt again?

If the ideal dating experience and romantic outcome is what everyone is longing for, then why are so many people in pain? I say this all the time - LOVE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HURT! Because of this, I'm going to be addressing a phenomenon I call “DATING WARS” and give you some tips to avoid the games that lead to oh too many tears.

I've found that the war of the sexes is heating up, additionally spurred on by such television shows as: ElimiDate, The Bachelor, Bachelorette and too many Sitcoms which show relationships as dysfunctional and convoluted. All of these “entertainment vehicles” promote confusion, suspicion and outright manipulation by endorsing the age-old theory that Love is a game, and the only winner is the one who manipulates the best. This outdated mentality is forcing a quantum leap backwards for the dating world, further preventing singles from getting what they want from love and intimacy. Millions of people have gotten hooked on these shows, proving that people desperately want, and need, help creating love in their lives. Unfortunately these vehicles are not the right ones to get into. They manipulate people into thinking that 'Only The Best Game Player Wins,' and that if you play it straight, have integrity and concern for others, you'll be the loser. They're simply going for ratings – it won't produce sustainable, long-term, loving relationships.

OK, so you're single, available, and ready to meet someone. What you do? How do you avoid getting involved in the Dating Wars?

The best FIRST STEP for you is to know exactly what you want in your ideal partner. Remember: “You can't get what you want, unless you know what you want” or “If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.”

So, get out your pad of paper and pen, or start a Word Doc and write down your romance 'Wish List' - I also call it your 'DREAM SHEET.' On this magical piece of paper, write down everything you want in your ideal mate. Be real creative, describe the person that you what to spend the rest of your life with. You can write down physical characteristics, but more importantly, describe who this person is inside - their personality traits, level of education, values, goals, hobbies, habits, how they are when you're together. What does is it feel like to be in love with this person? What is your level of sensuality, communication, friendship, trust and commitment? Be as specific as you want, but the main thing is to get the real essence of this person down on the paper.

I know some of you might be thinking, “Why on earth should I do this?” It's actually quite simple;

• First of all, when you write something down it becomes Real to you, and your subconscious.
• Secondly, I've seen way too many people settle for less, settle for that notorious 'Somebody' - because they didn't know what they wanted.

Now that you're armed with this fabulous arsenal of information, the NEXT STEP is to get out there and let the world know you're available. I can't tell you how often people want to sit at home and have Mr. or Ms. Right come knocking on the door. The truth is, this won't happen unless they're a UPS driver or pizza delivery boy. I have to tell you, you've GOT to get out into the world in one way or another. I tell my clients all the time, “The best thing you can do for yourself is to write down what you want and then go out and live your life!”.

GET READY TO MEET THE RIGHT ONE

Here are some tips to prepare yourself to meet the love of your life:

If you want to attract the right partner, BE YOURSELF. If you pretend you're someone you're not, you'll end up attracting someone who likes the person they think you are, and will leave you when they find out you're not who you pretended to be. Don't Play Games Out There! If you think you're not good enough to attract a wonderful person, you won't - regardless of who you pretend to be. BE AUTHENTIC, REAL, HONEST & SINCERE. You'll want someone who's going to fall in love with You For You, and not because they think you're someone else. Besides, LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE. If you're out there playing games and pretending to be someone you're not, guess whom you're going to attract? You got it! Why put yourself through all that misery?

The next thing is to do is make sure that you're really ready for a relationship. So often while I'm working with a client and they're bemoaning the fact that they're still single - once we take a closer look, we find out that they're not emotionally ready; or they are so career driven that there is no time or space for anyone in their life; while others have had such painful experiences in the past that they've put up every conceivable barrier against bringing anyone into their life. SO IF YOU SAY YOU'RE READY, JUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE.

WAYS TO MEET SOMEONE

Here are some places to go that you might meet someone special. The truth is: when you're ready and prepared, you could meet the right person at the supermarket. But until then, here are some alternative places to meet people:

• Attend a sporting event; football, basketball, or baseball game
• Join a health club or take an aerobics, yoga or exercise class
• Hit a bucket of balls at the driving range or sign up for golf lessons
• Go to lots of parties - accept all invitations offered
• Go to your high-school/college reunions
• Attend your kids sporting events and school functions
• Find a hair salon that caters to both men and women
• Shop at a gourmet or health food store
• Get your car washed at the nicest car wash in town on a busy weekend day
• Listen to live outdoor jazz concerts or other concerts in the park
• Visit a boating, RV or fishing trade show
• Go to an elegant hotel for lunch or cocktails
• Hang out at a local coffeehouse with your laptop or a good book
• Eat at a sushi bar
• Join an investment or banking club
• Go on a singles cruise
• Attend a Sierra Club or other Environmental meeting
• Join the Chamber of Commerce and get very involved
• Go to seminars, sales courses, business breakfasts and workshops
• Attend grand opening events and other high profile ribbon cuttings
• Spend part of Saturday afternoon at your local hardware store
• Take an evening class at a local college or Adult Ed program
• Hang out in bookstores
• Volunteer for charity events or work on a political fund-raiser

Unfortunately there's no magic bullet for where to go to meet your ideal mate, the key here is to do something DIFFERENT, and show up at places you might not ordinarily be. There's a great saying: “Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different result.” If you've been single for a long time, and haven't met anyone, just take a moment to look at your normal, everyday life.

• Are you in a rut?
• Do you have a routine you could go through with your eyes shut?
• Do you frequent the same places over and over again?

If so, you're pretty much like the rest of us. But if doing what you've been doing isn't getting you what you want, CHANGE SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Try going to some of the places I just talked about - get creative! Think outside the box. Most people spend more time planning a two-week vacation then figuring out what they want in love and romance. Remember how excited you got the last time you planned a vacation? Well, THIS IS YOUR LIFE! I want you to get more excited about it than you do that little two-week vacation!

DATING & MATCHMAKING SERVICES

Matchmakers have been around for centuries, and the modern-day version are all of the dating services, social introduction clubs, speed dating clubs, personal matchmakers, and a myriad of other structured organizations that help you find that special person. I'm not able to go into all of these on the program today, but there are many wonderful, reputable clubs and organizations that you can become affiliated with - so look them up in the phone book, call them and find out what their policies and procedures are. Ask your friends and family members for referrals. Word of mouth is still the best advertising, so ask the people that you know and trust what they think about a certain group. One thing I do want to mention is some of these clubs can be quite expensive, and the cost does not necessarily guarantee success. If these more expensive organizations are out of your budget, join a cycling, hiking or other low-cost activity club instead.

PLACING ON-LINE ADS & USING CHAT ROOMS

Years ago there was quite a stigma about placing personal ads - the general consensus was that only losers did it. I mean, after all, if you're healthy, attractive and have something to offer, why on earth would you need to place an ad? Well, the reality of contemporary life is that people are busy, many people spend most of their time at the office, dealing with children, other responsibilities and just life in general. I'm constantly being asked, “Where do I meet a great person? I'm not a drinker and don't believe in hanging out in bars, so where do I meet them?” Because of this, many people have opted to dive into online dating.

In order to do this successfully, I'll give you some tips on ETIQUETTE and other practices that will help you get what you're looking for:

• Place a variety of ads on different sites
• Experiment with different types of descriptions about yourself and the person you're looking for
• Be creative, describe yourself in the most whimsical, articulate, intelligent way possible
• Be honest about who you are and what you want
• Make sure that you're placing an ad on a reputable site. You certainly don't want to get hooked up with serious undesirables because you didn't do a little homework first
• Be very specific about your geographical location and desires. Long-distance relationships are hard enough after they have been established-why complicate matters by allowing responses from halfway around the world - unless you intend on moving there someday
• A lot of people find the Internet a wonderful place to hide, pretend, fantasize and scam. By putting yourself out there as honestly as possible, you have a much better chance of receiving that back – again play it smart and use your common sense and trust your intuition!
• When you receive your responses, do your best to answer all of them in one way or another. Obviously if you get the feeling someone's a psychopath, pass on that one. The key here is to treat everyone who responds with a modicum of respect. The downside is that women usually get a flood of responses, and wonderful men get lost in the crowd - so if you going to place ads, take the time and be courteous enough to answer as many as you can
• If one or two people rise to the top of the heap, and interest you enough to find out more about them, do yourself a favor - set up a meeting as quickly as possible in a coffeehouse or other public area. Don't spend days online and on the phone fantasizing about what you think the other person is really like. If you have enough in common and you're interested in them, set up a face-to-face meeting ASAP. I promise you it will save you potentially hundreds of wasted hours with someone who does not fit your picture.
• The first time you meet, set it up so that it doesn't last more than 20 to 30 minutes at a coffee house or other public place. If you make a date to meet the first time for a fancy dinner and in the first five minutes you know this isn't the right one for you, I promise you the next 2 hours are going to seem like an eternity! Start with a brief encounter, and if the chemistry is good and you like the person, you can always extend the length of time - it's more difficult to walk out of a restaurant half way through the meal if things go downhill.

The gift and the curse about anything on-line is that you reach a tremendous number of people all over the world. There have been a lot of success stories as well as equally devastating experiences. THE KEY TO DOING ANYTHING ON-LINE IS TO BE SMART, USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, AND ABOVE ALL, REMEMBER, IF THEY SEEM TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, MOST LIKELY THEY ARE!

Blessings