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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

Spring Ushers In Romantic Rebirth

Spring is in full swing and with it comes the beauty and magic of new life. “In spring a man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love” is a universal truism. It’s all around us and permeates every living thing. Because of the theme of this marvelous time of year, I want to make sure you experience the highest level of love and romantic connection possible.

“Love, an emotion so strong that you would give up everything. To just feel it once, is to know that you are part of something special. To know that you can feel what love really is; to know, to feel, to love.”
Author Unknown

Ahh Love - the supreme mystery and one of the most sought after commodities known to mankind. It’s one of our most cherished experiences - the imperative goal. Men have gone to war in the name of love, many have sacrificed everything to obtain it, adolescents do battle with it and adults yearn for it, yet children give it freely, for it is their nature.

We all came in with an intrinsic understanding of love and the natural flow of expression. Then why does so much pain and confusion surround something that is such a universal quest? How can something so marvelous, so awe-inspiring, be such a sublime mixture of pleasure and pain?

The following are but some of the reasons love is so wrought with conflicting experiences:
• Individuals are in their relationship for the wrong reason
• Unrealistic expectations of love or their loved one
• Trust issues regarding love, because love has “let them down”
• Don’t trust their own emotions or won’t allow honest expression of feelings
• Past experiences have tainted their experience of love
• They didn’t have positive relationship role models
• Current “Reality Shows” are perpetuating the “game playing” or manipulative mentality inherent in unhealthy relationship creation

Over the years I’ve counseled so many people who were devastated by love and had just given up. Some of the most common questions regarding love and relationships I’ve encountered in my practice are:
• How do I know if he/she is the right one?
• Can I ever love again? Or should I even try?
• How do I know when to get out?
• What will my family and friends think?
• How much pain am I supposed to endure?

I’ll address these questions momentarily, but first I want to make a couple of important points:

Love is not supposed to hurt - period. It was not constructed that way, love’s very nature is nurturing, growth oriented and sustaining. The way to turn love into your friend and ally is to reconnect with that fresh, optimistic, unsullied, childlike belief in love.

Secondly, love never lets anyone down – people do. So if you find that you are constantly being disappointed by love and romance, it’s imperative to take an objective look at the partners you’ve had, examine your judgments and role models and see why you’ve attracted people who’ve hurt you. Love is sustaining, expansive and life affirming. If that’s not been your experience, then it’s time to change that old pattern and create joy, not pain!

How do I know if he/she is the right one?
If you are single and seeking a wonderful love relationship, the first thing to do is become very specific about the characteristics, values, physical characteristics, lifestyle, goals and personality traits of the person with whom you want to spend your life. This will become your “wish list,” which is a must for everyone who is ready for a long-term romance. One of the reasons this exercise is so powerful, is that too many people enter a relationship by default. They don’t necessarily know what they want or need in a relationship, so they begin a relationship with “someone” hoping that love will grow, and conquer all. It doesn’t. Love must be given a helping hand. By specifying your needs and desires before you create the relationship you will accomplish two things: You’ll have a better chance of creating the relationship right from the start. You will know they are the right one because they fulfill your wants, needs and desires.

Can I ever love again? Or should I even try?
The best way to start again with anyone is to have your wish list firmly in mind – that is your target or romantic goal. Secondly you have to forgive yourself, your ex-partner and everyone else who has contributed to your pain. By going through the freeing experience of forgiveness, you will be able to open up and allow love into your life once again. Too often we tend to punish the new partner for the sins of the previous one/s, contributing to the emotional downward spiral of love equaling pain. Forgiveness, REAL forgiveness frees you and allows you to start fresh with a clean slate.

How do I know when to get out? How much pain am I supposed to endure?
Love is not supposed to be painful - period! If you are in a romance that is wrought with pain or is abusive, (regardless of the level of abuse), GET OUT! Abuse of any sort is intolerable. You’re not supposed to endure any long-term experience of pain – you won’t get any Brownie Points or merit badges for putting up with it! Examine why you’ve allowed the abuse to continue for so long. Sometimes it’s difficult to cut and run instantly because of financial considerations, fear, children, logistics, etc. Regardless, you MUST seek help, such as counseling, take back your power, make your exit plan and stick to it. You deserve nothing less! I have a ZERO tolerance policy for abuse!

What will my family and friends think?
Your family and friends love you and usually want only the best for you. If you get a lot of negative feedback from them regarding someone in your life, stop for a moment and find out what they’re objecting to. Often close friends and family can see the “object of our affection” in a more realistic light. Because of that vantage point, they may be seeing traits, characteristics or potential problem areas more quickly and clearly than you are. The adage “love is blind” works both for our benefit as well as our detriment. Do yourself a favor, if you’re getting flak from your friends, don’t become defensive, just analyze where the comments are coming from, find out what their objection is, make sure it’s an honest objectin, then search your heart to see if the objection/s have merit and make your next move from that perspective.

Love is amazing. It is worth the work, but should never be WORK. Prepare yourself to experience true love and connection by doing just alittle homework and I promise you, it can be the most exhilarating experience you’ll ever know!

In closing, because we’re not “fools for love”, or anything else for that matter, I thought you might get a kick out of the history of April Fool’s Day – enjoy!

The commonly accepted origin of April Fool’s Day involves changes in the calendar. At one time, the New Year celebration began on March 25 and ended on April 1. However, in 1582, King Charles IX adopted the Gregorian calendar and accepted the beginning of the New Year as January 1st. Those who refused to acknowledge the new date or simply forgot received foolish gifts and invitations to nonexistent parties. The butt of such a prank was known as a "poisson d'avril" or "April fish."

All Fool's Day
The first of April, some do say
Is set apart for All Fool's Day;
But why the people call it so
Not I, nor they themselves, do know,
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.
           -Anonymous