Subscribe Now!
Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

SPICE UP YOUR LOVE LIFE

Let's talk about a subject that is on the minds and lips of most of you out there - SEX.

Ahhh, Sex - one of the most important components of a healthy, growing relationship. Sex is a celebration of the love between two people. The ability to express your sexual needs and desires to your partner is an integral part of a relationship that will go through time. Unfortunately, it is also the element within most relationships that is still shrouded in mystery, fear and ignorance. Today you'll learn about yourself, your sexual needs, drives and how to more effectively communicate those to your partner. Once you feel comfortable doing this, the quality of your relationship will heighten beyond belief.

Everybody talks about SEX: advertisers use it to sell everything from Twinkies to tires; movies, television and books are filled with it; and it is still one of the most misunderstood issues in our lives.

What do you think is one of the first things someone should do when they want to establish a healthy sexual relationship? The answer is, understanding your NEGATIVE SEXUAL BELIEFS and how they impact your positive sexual experience. Negative sexual beliefs, such as fear, inadequacies or judgments could be preventing you from attaining the level of intimacy you want. It doesn't necessarily stop you from having sex, but it does prevent you from having the level of intimacy and closeness you really desire. If someone has a judgment such as; " Sex Is Dirty" or " Men Are Always Unfaithful", this person will not allow themselves to become intimately connected to a partner, because; "They're all jerks & sex is dirty anyway, so why should I do it?"

I was working with a lovely couple several years ago that came in for some counseling because they were having sexual problems. What was especially interesting about their case was that they were both physically beautiful people, had a healthy, positive outlook on life, and had a really solid relationship in every other area. So why did they have problems in the bedroom?

Well, Sue and Tom, (of course these aren't their real names), both had negative sexual judgments that they didn't realize they had. Sue, even though she was a beautiful woman, had a deep-seated fear that she wasn't adequate enough to satisfy Tom. She would mask that fear by creating a wonderful relationship outside the bedroom and would have numerous excuses why she could not make love to him. When they did make love, she would be anxiety ridden afterwards, concocting all sorts of reasons why he might have been unsatisfied and bracing herself for what she thought was the inevitable, Tom's leaving her for another woman.

Now some of you might think this sounds silly, but I do know many of you can relate to this. It is much more common than you might think - and it exists regardless of the physical beauty of the person.

OK, so what was Tom's part in all of this? Tom had an expectation that every time they had sex it should be as passionate as the first time. He held the belief that many men have, that the amazing passion many couples' experience during the first 6 months of their relationship should be the norm for the duration of the relationship-truly a major stumbling block for most couples.

This brings up a very interesting point; Men go into a relationship for what is, Women go into a relationship for what will be. Men get upset when things change; Women get upset when things don't.

How many times have you seen in your own relationship, or in the relationships around you, that some of the biggest arguments occur because he won't change, or that she has changed? Well this very situation had a stranglehold on Tom. He couldn't understand why Sue wasn't as passionate and exciting as when they first met and that expectation dovetailed beautifully into Sue's fear of being inadequate.

I'm happy to report Sue and Tom are now enjoying a passionate, healthy sex life. We examined their negative sexual beliefs, and once their patterns were identified, I was able to give them a series of interventions that helped them solve the problems.

Examining your negative sexual beliefs will uncover, quite dramatically, what has been preventing you from establishing a satisfying sexual relationship. Most of these beliefs exist at the subconscious level and may never have been examined - most people don't even know they exist.
I've placed these negative sexual beliefs into four categories:

• Fears
• Expectations or Shoulds
• Inadequacies or not enough
• Judgments or negative beliefs

Fears show up in the form of feelings and ideas such as;

• I won't be able to satisfy my partner.
• He's going to leave me because I don't enjoy doing the same things he likes to do.
• What if he finds her so much more appealing?
• What if her old boyfriend comes back, I'm sure he was a better lover than I am.

Expectations

• If they love me, they should always be as passionate as our first night together.
• Every night she should come out in a sexy piece of lingerie and be that wildcat I fell in love with.
• He should know what I want in bed; I shouldn't have to tell him.
• He should be is romantic as he was when we were first dating.
  Inadequacies
• I'm not sexy enough to keep him interested.
• I don't think I'm curvy enough for my boyfriend; maybe he'll love me more if I get implants.
• I'm afraid she's going to leave me because I don't think I'm as well equipped as her last boyfriend.
• I just don't look like I did when I was 20, I'm so afraid he's going to start looking at younger women.
  
  Judgments or negative beliefs
  
  
• Men are such dogs; you can't trust them and they're always unfaithful.
• I've never met a woman who enjoyed oral sex; I guess all women are so prissy and just dislike it.
• Every man I've ever had in my life abused me and lied to me - I guess all men are that way.
• Love stinks! It's not worth the effort because you always come out losing in the end.

So what do you need to do in order to overcome these negative beliefs? The first thing is to recognize that you have these beliefs or judgments. Understandably, we all develop these judgments and fears based on our life experience. Most babies don't come out of the womb and say, " love stinks!" But rather we develop these with every painful experience, heartbreak, rejection, self-doubt and by comparing ourselves to models in magazines and people on the motion picture screen.
1. Be gentle with yourself and realistic about your situation.
2. Honestly analyze your judgments, inadequacies and beliefs. Determine where they came from and develop a strategy for healing them.
3. If it's something you can do by yourself, by all means please do so. If it's a deeper issue, please seek help from the proper professional.
4. Make an action plan, either by yourself, with your partner, or with the professional you're working with, to figure out how you're going to change these beliefs, what you need in order to change the belief, what your sexual goals are, and what the payoff is for you.

While you're going through this process, also examine what attitudes and beliefs you need to adopt to ensure a more fulfilling sex life in the future. For instance, some positive attitudes and beliefs are;

• Sex is wonderful; it rejuvenates me and really connects me to my lover.
• Intimacy is the most powerful force in our relationship.
• I feel powerful and in control when we're intimate.
• My negative sexual experiences are in my past, and I know with utmost certainty that the past does not equal the future.

CONQUERING SEXUAL FEARS

The first important step in conquering any negative sexual emotion is to acknowledge that the fear, negative judgment, or inadequacy actually exists. One of the ways that it will be evident is through negative repeating patterns - for instance; attracting the same kind of dysfunctional partner over and over again, or having a fear of falling in love again.

The next step is to discover where the feeling came from. For instance at some point you may have violated your personal values or standards and you still feel guilty about it.

The last thing is to understand why this negative feeling or judgment still has a place in your life.

• One reason might be that you haven't released the painful or negative behaviors or experiences.
• Possibly righteous indignation may be keeping you stuck in feelings you no longer want.
• There might be a belief that you do not deserve anything better, that you must keep punishing yourself for past mistakes.
• It could be serving some other purpose known or unknown.
• Knowledge is power - this is incredibly true in the sexual arena.

COMMUNICATING SEXUAL INTEREST TO YOUR LOVER

One of the areas many couples have problems is with expressing their sexual interest or disinterest. In any healthy romance, there must be open and free-flowing communication regarding the individual's sexuality. Too often, I have found that couples do not feel safe enough with one another, or they don't feel secure enough within themselves to express what they're truly feeling. Because of that, I'd like to introduce a fun little process I developed to help couples simplify the communication process. I called this process, "Communicating sexual interest to your lover." Here's how works;

Envision a scale from 0 to 5 - each number represents a different level of sexual interest.

• Zero; means "I'm angry, I have NO sexual interest whatsoever-don't you dare touch me!"
• 1; means, "not now, I'm just not in the mood-call me later."
• 2; means "I've had a bad day, I'd like to, but I just don't know if I'm up to it-entice me!"
• 3; means "I can't right now, I have things I've really got to do, but let's get together later for our play date-meet me!"
• 4; means "this sounds great! I'm interested, but I'm just not turned on-arouse me!"
• 5; means "I'm hot and ready, let's go! - Lay me NOW!"

A wonderful process, because is it helps couples with communication problems clearly communicate where they're at sexually at any given time. It can be used as code between the two of you; for instance you can call your lover up at the office and say, " Hey Babe, I'm at a 4 and by the time you get home tonight I'll definitely be at a 5!" Or if you want your partner to know you're not in the mood you can say, " I'm sorry honey, I'm really at a 1 right now, can I have a rain check?"

Play with this, have fun with it - I developed it to make it easier for you to get what you want in your romantic life. I realize some of you may want to create a scale of 1 to 10-that's fine. The whole idea is to make communicating simple, fun and non-threatening. Try this out, and let me know how it goes.