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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

Avoid the Perils of Ring Hopping

Ahh, the Game of Love - we can’t have one without the other, right? That statement is actually an oxymoron - because the healthiest, most passionate romances exist without games. People don’t need to play games in order to find, establish and sustain an ideal love relationship. The more games someone plays, the more dysfunctional and unfulfilling their relationship usually ends up. People have been playing these games since the beginning of time, and sadly, relationships are in the worst shape now than ever before.

Today, over 53% of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, dating services are springing up at a record rate, hundreds of thousands of personal ads are placed on-line daily, yet more people are suffering from loneliness and depression than ever before. Have you noticed how many anti-depressant commercials there are on TV these days? OK, so you still think that games work? THEY DON’T!

Today I’d like to address another dangerous and damaging game many people play - creating relationships TOO QUICKLY, or ‘Ring Hopping’ all under my Evolution of Relationships. What is the Evolution of Relationships? I’d like to start with a little story to demonstrate what it is and how works.

Sue, (not her real name), was sitting in my office, telling me about a conversation she had just had. Her new assistant had commented that she and her boyfriend were so great together and asked how they met. Sue started to recount the events, “Well it’s not a very dramatic story, but then I’ve had enough drama to last 10 lifetimes. I met Jerad while I was on a magazine assignment; he was the photographer for the project. I remember thinking what an interesting man he was, and just how easy he was to talk to. You know, I wasn’t even in the market to meet anyone; I had given myself a yearlong hiatus from men. We worked together for 3 months and became really good friends. We would sit at lunch and I would tell him about my romantic misadventures, ask him questions like; why are all men on the planet so messed up? He would laugh, then honestly answer.

One day he called me his best friend. Jerad was one of the best men I had ever met in my life. He undid a lot of damage so many other men had caused. I started thinking more and more about him, eventually wondering what he was doing evenings and weekends. At that point, I realized he meant more to me than just another co-worker. I knew I wanted more of a relationship with him, so one afternoon, I asked him if he wanted to grab some dinner after work, and to my surprise, he jumped at the invitation. Dinner was delightful; we laughed, bantered, acted like kids, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Before desert arrived, I gathered all my courage and told him I was curious about his off-duty hours. Then I told him about my deepening feelings for him, asked about the possibility of a love affair between us, and before I could finish my sentence, his grin broadened into a huge smile and he said he was relieved that I felt the same way as he did. Then he said, “I’ve been crazy about you for some time now, but didn’t what to step over that line. I can’t imagine a day without you.” We decided to take our time developing the relationship - I’m so glad we did. This IS the relationship I’ve waited for all my life!”

Now you may be wondering what Sue was doing in my office in the first place - since obviously she had this relationship-thing knocked. Well, that wasn’t always the case. When we first started working together, she had just ended ANOTHER disastrous affair, and had decided to take a romantic hiatus. One of her main problems had been, because she was a busy professional, she thought she never had the time to develop relationships “the slow, old fashioned way,” as she used to refer to it.

Her travel schedule demanded much of her time, so she would pencil-in moments, here and there, for romantic pursuits. She had a series of one-night stands, and very short lived, shaky relationships. These all eventually collapsed, leaving her in pain, and even more convinced that relationships just don’t work. She had started to believe that love and relationships were a complete waste of her time. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, it’s all too familiar for way too many people.

The way that Sue evolved from the woman who had given-up on romance into the woman who was madly in love was she used the process I’m going to give you now. It’s called the EVOLUTION OF RELATIONSHIPS and it can help you create an ideal relationship. When I first explained the model to Sue, she immediately responded with, “But what about my travel schedule? I have so little time to devote to love and romance, how this going to help me?” She had a definite edge to her voice - remember, this was the woman who had decided that love was too much trouble, and now I had the audacity to offer a solution!

Remember that limited time, hectic schedules and life are going to happen every day, but that doesn’t mean that busy people can’t have true love. The challenge is, busy people look for shortcuts to minimize their workload, and many of them want to create instant history and instant relationships. Creating a healthy sustainable relationship does take time, but it’s positive time. If this is the person you’re going spend the rest of your life with, taking an extra 2 or 3 months to make sure, is certainly little to ask.

The ‘Evolution of Relationships’ is a model I developed based on the fact that there’s a natural evolution all people experience when developing any relationship. The healthiest love relationships allow for a gradual deepening of the feelings for one another, and everyone goes through a similar process. I developed the model to better explain how we create ANY relationship in our lives, and especially the romantic ones.

Simply stated, the model looks something like this; imagine a set of four concentric rings, one inside the other, and each ring is smaller than the last, somewhat resembling a bull’s eye or archery target. The largest ring it is the ‘PUBLIC RING’ - the next smaller ring is ‘SOCIAL CONTACTS’ - the next smaller ring is ‘PERSONAL FRIENDS & FAMILY’ - and the smallest ring is the ‘INTIMATE PARTNERS’ ring.

I’d like to describe a little bit about each of the rings:
The Public Sector ring is the largest one because it holds the largest number of people:
• These are the platonic acquaintances and total strangers out there in the world.
• These individuals vary from being somewhat important, to completely unimportant, people in your life.
• There is zero to minimal personal closeness and sharing with them, either emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally.
• There’s only occasional, or no contact or conversation.
• These are people you may interact with in your world such as; store clerks, repair people, waiters, employees of the same large company you work for, people who go to the same school or church you do – generally the world at large.
• You spend no time together socially, however this ring encompasses the major pool in which you find new people to draw into your inner 3 rings.

The next smaller ring is the Social Contacts ring.
• These are your platonic friends and acquaintances.
• They range from being somewhat important to very important people in your life.
• They can make your life easier, can provide business connections, and help round out your social life.
• You have minimal to moderate personal closeness and generally they know you more from observation and interaction, then from in-depth personal sharing.
• You have occasional contact and conversations with them-these people are extension of your business, school, club, church and volunteer support system.
• You socialize and have fun with them, but don’t necessarily spend a significant amount of quality time.
• They include; clients, business associates, co-workers, church members, organizational contacts, networking partners, sports teammates, schoolmates, etc.
• The key element here is that trust must be established if they’re to move into one of the Inner rings.

The next smaller ring is the Personal Friends & Family Ring.
• These are your close, platonic friends and family.
• These are important people in your life, making your life more fun and enjoyable.
• You have a moderate to ultimate level of closeness and sharing of yourself with these people - they know you extremely well, but not as completely as your intimates do.
• You converse with them daily, weekly, or at least several times a month. These people are your emotional support system.
• You spend a lot of leisure time with these friends and share significant and not so significant, events of your life with them, and you enjoy their company.
• You feel safe with these people, and you can be yourself.
• You spend quality time with them, either in quiet intimate settings, on vacations, socializing, or engaged in everyday activities.
• They are extremely trusted and special people in your life, and you would do almost anything for these friends.
• Friends from this circle are usually the ones you go to when your love relationship ends, you want to share something private, or for any other emotional support or celebration.

The smallest ring is the Intimate Partners Ring.
• These are your sexual partners, and extremely close, platonic friends and family.
• These are the most important people in your life; they make your life richer, more worthwhile, and immensely valuable.
• This is the ultimate level of closeness and sharing, physically emotionally spiritually and mentally.
• They know the most about you; your strengths and weaknesses; where you’ve been, and where you’re going.
• You live with them, or at least, converse with them daily or several times a week.
• These people are your ultimate emotional support system.
• They’re your best friends; dearest companions, and in many cases, the people who challenge you to stretch, grow, take risks, and be the best you can be.
• You can’t wait to share significant events in your life with them, and feel deprived if you can’t do so.
• You feel the safest with these people. You can be completely yourself, your most vulnerable, weak, crazy, self exposing, funny, eccentric, intelligent, open and honest.
• These are the people you rely on most in every area of your life.
• You spend the most quality time with them, either engaged in sexual activity, in quiet intimate settings, on vacations, socializing, or engaged in everyday activities. These are the most trusted people in your life.

EVOLUTION OF RELATIONSHIPS GUIDELINES
Now that I’ve explained what each ring is and what it stands for, I’d like to cover some fine-tuning techniques that will help you when you’re working with this model. This shows you how to avoid romantic pitfalls by recognizing imperative criteria regarding the development of healthy relationships;
1. Each ring should be concentrically smaller, containing fewer people.
• Public Sector ring obviously holds the greatest number of people, because it represents the world a large.
• From there you make your Social Contacts, filling that ring with a more select group of people.
• Personal Friends is a much smaller circle, containing only people who have bonded with you, have similar interests, hobbies and have proven themselves worthy.
• The Intimate Partners ring must be the smallest of all the rings, containing only the most intimate friends and sexual partners in your life. This ring should be reserved for those who’ve proven themselves supremely worthy of your love and intimacy. Think of this ring as attaining the Golden Fleece of the relationship world.

2. There’s a natural speed that exists when moving through the rings - never try to speed up the process - this is where the problems start. Too often in the excitement of meeting a new person, we all have a tendency to rush the development of the relationship. It’s like eating candy for the first time; you want more and more of it. But just like candy, too much too soon will give you a stomachache. Wonderful relationships take time to build. Period. No matter how anxious we are to get the exciting, new relationship moving - if it starts fast, it usually ends fast.

3. Any person in your life must earn their way into the Inner Rings. Only the most appropriate, significant people should ever be considered for the ‘Intimate Partners’ Ring.’ Allowing immediate access diminishes the importance of that position and is what I call ‘Ring Hopping.’

I’d like to tell you a little story about a client of mine that demonstrates the perils of ‘Ring Hopping.’

Liz sighed, as the tension start to drain from her. While sitting in a restaurant a handsome man caught her eye. “Humm, now there’s someone I’d like to meet,” she mused. Mat was thinking the same thing, as he slowly maneuvered through the forest of tables toward Liz. He introduced himself and asked if she minded some company. “Of course not, please sit down.”

“Chemistry,” she thought, “now there’s an interesting concept - seems to be a lot of it here.” They were having a great time, engaging in a delightful conversation about his latest project and her upcoming vacation. The subject shifted to how to find the best mocha latte in town, when the thought crossed her mind, “why don’t I invite him over for cup of my coffee?” He’s attractive guy, seems nice, and what the heck, it’s been such a long time since I’ve been romantically involved ...

She woke the next morning with an empty feeling, staring at Matt, the stranger, occupying the space next to her in bed. I had no intention of having sex with him originally, but one thing led to another last night, and it was really incredible! Her internal dialogue was an attempt to reconcile herself to the fact that this was way out of character for her, and that she needed to be exonerated. He was so gallant the way he swept me off my feet and carried me to the bedroom. Wow, no one had ever done that before! I just know this one will be different. Things will work out fine, just fine - she told herself. As Matt left, he muttered something about calling her later, and planted an awkward peck on her cheek.

That morning, Liz told me all about this incredible guy she had just met. She replayed the entire night in her mind, savoring every detail, from the moment their eyes first met, to his departure; she planned their next rendezvous; and anxiously awaited his promised call. His call never came - Liz had become a ‘Ring Hopper.’

What exactly is a ‘Ring Hopper’? It’s a person who jumps from the ‘Public’ or ‘Social Contacts’ Ring into the ‘Intimate Partners’ Ring in one quantum leap. Often an individual who was lonely, desperate, or lacks positive self-esteem, will allow or encourage ‘Ring Hopping’ - hoping the sex will guarantee instant closeness, friendship, and a relationship that will last forever.

Some of the activities people engage in that are defined as Ring Hopping include:
• One-night stands; meeting someone & engaging in sex that same day or night, with no further interaction whatsoever.
• Sex on the first of several dates; this is similar to a one-night stand, except the couple gets together and has sex a few times, without ever really getting to know one another.
• Casual, convenient sex with no other interaction or socializing; this is a pattern of the no-strings attached, safe sex. The couple usually gets together late at night for a ‘Booty Call’, and one or both leave early the next morning. These partners are engaging in sex simply for release, their own pleasure, and in most cases, something to do while waiting for the ‘real thing’ to come along.
• Other first contact, or artificial, acts of sexuality between consenting adults, including; phone sex and 900#s, strip or sex clubs, sex for hire, and all other forms of pornography. These activities set up unrealistic experiences of what intimacy is supposed to be, and is very damaging because it never allows the participants to develop any type of sustained closeness.

Unfortunately, because ‘Ring Hopping’ relationships begin within the Intimate Ring and try to build backwards, they usually end abruptly and painfully; with the abandoned one always wondering what they did wrong.
A series of, ‘I will beat myself up now’ questions race through their mind.
• Wasn’t I sexy enough?
• Was I wearing the right dress, shoes, hairstyle, and nail polish?
• Didn’t I treat her right?
• Oh, maybe I wasn’t good enough in bed & I drove them away!

The reason these fledgling relationships end in this manner is simply, things moved TOO QUICKLY. The couple never got to know one another, and never developed a firm foundation on which to build the relationship. Immediate intimacy can mean the individual has little or no self-esteem. Too often individuals think the only way to establish a love relationship is to have sex immediately, hoping their partner will get hooked and want to stay. Some common beliefs are:
• One common fear is, once they really get to know me, they’ll leave.
• I’m not enough to keep them interested for the long term.
• Or maybe if our sex life is exciting and avant-garde enough, they’ll keep coming back for more - then I’ll have them.

Quality such as intimacy, trust, communication, caring and safety are elements that develop OVER TIME – regardless of how fast the relationship developed. Have you ever heard someone say, “Why don’t we take things a little slower?” What they are saying is that the relationship is moving TOO FAST SEXUALLY, and although the sex might be fabulous, there hasn’t been enough time to get comfortable being together. The best-case scenario is that a couple first build a strong friendship, learning to rely on one another under normal everyday circumstances, before they develop a sexual relationship. By getting to know the real person, including their strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and liabilities, the couple will build a strong, unshakable foundation. Think of it as trying to build a house from the roof down – can’t really do it.

Please understand, I’m not condemning anyone who established their sexual relationship rapidly, because so many people have done it this way. My primary intent is to provide you with the strategies and models used by thousands of my clients over the years that have successfully created fabulous, long term, love relationships.

If you happen to have created your relationship by ‘Ring Hopping,’ and are currently experiencing problems, the best thing to do is to go back and work on developing and establishing your friendship. Revisit why you two fell in love in the first place. Some people actually take a sexual hiatus while learning about one another and discovering who it is they are in love with. Do what feels right and natural for you in your relationship – but remember, you have to have a solid friendship, otherwise your relationship WILL deteriorate slowly or end abruptly, and no one wants that.

This month’s Romance Column is an excerpt from “Isle of Fantasies: Secrets for Creating the Love of Your Life” by Tana Marie & Robert Misrack
Available @ http://www.passionisland.us/book.htm.