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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

CRAZYMAKING IN COMMUNICATION

• Your husband starts a screaming fight and then wants to make passionate love to you.
• Your girlfriend gets you really excited, then tells you she’s gone off the pill.
• You tell your mother you’re on a crash-diet, then she brings you a scrumptious chocolate cake and gets upset when you won’t eat it.
• Your boss gives you a promotion and then tells everyone you’re an incompetent slacker.

Has this, or something similar, ever happened to you? If so, I’m glad you’re here, because I’m going to discuss “CrazyMaking.”

• My husband is driving me Crazy!
• My new girlfriend is driving me Over the Edge!
• Why won’t my ex leave me alone? He’s driving me Nuts!

When you say that someone is “driving you crazy,” you’re saying more than you may know. CrazyMaking in communication is, in many ways, one of the most insidious and damaging elements in a relationship - ANY relationship - but certainly it’s extremely destructive in a love relationship, a close friendship or any other important relationship in your life. Once you identify any of these patterns in a relationship you’re in, you can takes steps to eliminate them. This will ensure your relationship will grow and become the ideal one you envision.

WHAT IS CRAZYMAKING?
Simply put it’s game playing through communication. Here are some common examples:
• It’s saying one thing and meaning something completely different.
• Its control and manipulation through negative subtleties and innuendoes.
• Denying that something was ever said.
• Creating a crisis through hysteria, blaming, dramas and/or threats.
• Playing “take away” or withholding love, affection and/or sex.
• Verbally minimizing a win someone else received.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM? WHY DOES IT DEVELOP?
• Being afraid to state what you’re really feeling, for fear of reprisal.
• Being punished in the past for telling the truth.
• Feeling you don’t deserve to have a good relationship and doing everything possible to sabotage it.
• Feeling you’re not in control of the situation, your emotions, or the relationship.
• Being jealous or envious of the other person.
• Wanting to be thought of as a good guy, nice person, good girl or wonderful woman.
• Feeling insecure or not feeling good about yourself.
• Feeling threatened when the other person is winning, so you minimize their success to make yourself feel more important.
• Being angry and looking for a place to vent – so they become your scapegoat.
• Using control tactics by withholding information or not telling the whole truth - the old “lying by omission.”
• Attempting to impress someone by being enigmatic or mysterious.
• Being afraid there isn’t enough to keep someone interested in you.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR SOMEONE TO HONESTLY EXPRESS WHAT’S GOING ON?
• Being afraid of or not trusting the reaction they may get from their partner.
• They’ve been ridiculed or put down in the past for telling the truth.
• They don’t want to hurt the other person by telling the whole truth.
• Fear of being rejected or becoming an outcast.
• They fear that their feelings or experience don’t matter - they’re “just not that important.”

CRAZYMAKING PATTERNS
By understanding the patterns of CrazyMaking, we can identify areas of conflict and get some idea of what needs to be changed or eliminated in the relationship.

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND, OH MASTER
Like most CrazyMaking patterns, this one develops out of ordinary and acceptable behaviors, so it seems to be OK, until the underlying CrazyMaking is felt.

The basis of this one is Accommodation. Accommodation is nothing more than adjusting your own self-interest in order to take someone else’s into account, i.e. when you share your candy bar with a friend, or let someone get ahead of you in line at the grocery store. However, “Your Wish Is My Command” is a false kind of accommodation because the person is not being accommodating so much out of good-will as out of the fear of conflict.

The trouble starts in this scenario when this person’s partner, or friend, realizes that when they say “Yes,” they’re not really being genuine and telling the truth, they’re only being submissive in an attempt to please the other person and avoid conflict.

Here are a couple of examples: Mary says, “It’s such a beautiful day, why don’t we take the convertible out for a drive?” Dave agrees, but then as it starts to get dark, he says, “Thank God the sun is going down! The glare in this convertible has turned my headache into a migraine!” And of course, Dave never mentioned he had a headache to begin with and Mary turns out to be the “bad guy” for not caring about Dave’s migraine.

IF YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH YOU’LL KNOW WHAT I WANT
This pattern is sometimes known as “divining,” because one or both partners want the other to read their mind. Interestingly enough, this pattern developed in infancy. A baby can’t verbalize what they want or need, so they depend on their parent’s ability to figure out and provide what’s needed, whether they’re hot or cold, wet or dry, hunger or tired. This CrazyMaking pattern is literally the grown-up version of that experience.

This is saying if their partner loves them, they should automatically know what they want and do it for them - without ever being asked. This is ridiculous, impossible and very nerve wracking. One or both people will use phrases like; “You should’ve known” or “I thought you knew me better than that.” Failing to figure out their wants and needs is interpreted as a failure of the relationship.

Here’s an example: Sue buys Dave a new shirt. He looks at it, frowns, and says to her, “It’s green!” Sue replies, “Yes, I looked through the closet and saw that you didn’t have any green shirts and thought you’d like one.” Dave looks at her and sarcastically replies, “Well then, you should have known I don’t like green shirts!” Sue feels stupid and that she somehow failed Dave.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO THINK
This pattern is dangerous for two reasons; it violates a person’s right to think and feel what’s true for them and secondly, it’s a form of mind raping.

In a nutshell: someone in a superior position, for instance a parent with their child, will tell the child how they’re supposed to think or feel about a particular situation. As the person matures, they usually develop a pattern of extreme dependency on their partner because they don’t trust their own feelings or perceptions.

Here is an example of how this pattern develops: Little Tommy is outside playing, falls down and skins up his knee pretty badly. He comes into the house crying and his dad says, “Oh stop crying, you’re not really hurt! What’s the matter with you? It’s no big deal – shake it off!” Tommy is confused, because he is feeling physical pain, but the authority figure, his dad, is telling him he’s NOT feeing pain.

YOU’RE BETTER OFF HERE, UNDER MY WING
This pattern is dangerous because essentially, it’s a set up. It usually discourages any efforts toward independent thought or action. It’s calculated to keep the subordinate person very aware of their position and convince them that they’re not ready or able to act on their own. In personal relationships one of the partners needs to feel clearly dominant over the other.

Here’s a great example you might see often in a work environment: The manager says to Sally, “I have to run to a meeting right now, would you finish the presentation by yourself?” Sally, eager to please her boss, says, “Sure, do you think I’m ready to do it on my own?” Her boss assures her she is, and runs off to his meeting. When he returns, it’s no surprise he is extremely critical of Sally’s work. Sally feels humiliated, defeated, and angry - but she assumes she must be angry with herself for doing such a poor job. Now the boss accomplished what he wanted, keeping Sally in a subordinate position and making sure she doesn’t try to take any initiative.

THE DRAMA QUEEN or CRISIS KING
I see this pattern in relationships too often. One person is feeling ignored, so they stir up a little drama or crisis. The reason this one is so devastating is the person creating the drama gets the attention they want without ever being responsible for the drama, or acknowledging their part in creating it. The setup occurs when the other person gets angry, tense, or frustrated. When they do, they come across as the bad guy or unsupportive partner.

Here’s a great example of this pattern:  Tony comes into the house after working in the yard with a really nasty cut on his leg. There’s blood everywhere. He asks his wife, Amy, to help him bandage it. Amy is angry at Tony for some other unresolved issues, so she takes one look at the blood, passes out, hits the floor and has to be taken to the emergency room for some stitches. When Tony starts to get mad about the fact that she created this drama, she looks at him and snaps, “Well its all your fault, you know I can’t stand the sight of blood, and if you hadn’t been so clumsy outside you never would have cut yourself in the first place.”

I’LL KILL YOU WITH SILENCE
This one is deadly - especially in love relationships, because communicating and connecting with your partner is so important, giving someone the silent treatment can be the kiss of death for many people.

The silent one is obviously angry and wants to get even by not saying what’s really bothering them. So the full responsibility lands on the other partner to make assumptions and risk starting an argument by asking, “What’s wrong?”

Another variation of this one is the “Yep & Nope” or the “Fine” type of response to questions. If this pattern goes on for any length of time, the non-silent partner starts to close down also, because they get tired of trying to pry the information out of their partner. Silence begets silence, tired of the fights that ensue, the real issue never is addressed. They don’t realize the relationship is dying of neglect and non-communication.

HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT?
This one happens when one partner is guilty of doing something they don’t want to get caught for - so they make their partner think they’re crazy.

Michael comes home from work one evening and is met at the door by his wife, Theresa. “We got a bill on our credit card from the Starlight Motel in Albuquerque. It’s a bill for a double room.” Michael looks at her blankly, and says, “So, what’s the problem? I was sharing a room with Jeff from our Chicago office.” Teresa KNOWS that Michael is lying, starts to get angry, and says, “So who are you having an affair with?” Michael angerierly replies, “Well if you don’t believe me, you should call Jeff and ask him.” Teresa knows that she can’t do that and says so. Michael then replies, “Well you could if you really wanted to. Maybe it would teach you to trust me and stop jumping to conclusions! Of course if you do cxall, I’d become the laughing stock of the company. Maybe that’s what you really want - to get me fired! Right?” Teresa is stunned, drops the issue and wonders how she could have ever doubted him. Michael quietly walks away, a sly smile broadens across his face as he thinks about Debbie, the sales rep he’s been having an affair with in Albuquerque.