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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

Dating Wars or “My, How the Rules Have Changed!”

In the “olden days” dating seemed simpler; people met through friends or family, connected at their place of worship, and of course at the universal dating goldmine, the office. My how things have changed!

Today with life’s hectic pace, we all seem to be too busy to do anything the old fashioned way, especially when it comes to finding a partner! I’ve heard my clients and friends continually lament the fact that it’s getting harder and harder to find that special someone. The pervasive belief is that there are more sharks in the dating pool and finding that diamond seems more allusive, if not impossible.

Comments such as the ones below permeate far too many conversations;
• “I don’t want to waste time “just dating;” sitting thru boring lunch after miserable dinner with men who aren’t even contenders! I want to find the right one - now.”
• “It’s not PC to date anyone at work anymore, and it’s too dangerous to even try. But I’m working all the time, so when do I have a chance to get out and actually meet someone outside the office?”
• “I thought my friends actually knew me! Why on earth did they think I’d like that loser?!”
• “Is there anyone out there who thinks and feels like I do?”

Because of this growing phenomenon, millions of bright, busy, professionals are turning to the Internet to answer that age old question, “Where do I find the love of my life?”

While Internet dating has finally become a viable way to meet like-minded romantic candidates, it also propagates the “disposable mentality” evident in every contemporary arena from razors to romance. Due to the overwhelming number of “matches” that floods the emails of every participant, many people become overwhelmed, give their candidates a quick peek without really getting to know them, and worse yet, become unforgiving if even a minuscule mistake is made. But even with the potential down side of this method of matchmaking, thousands of individuals do happily enter the world of 2’s thanks to cyberspace.

• So are you willing to jump into the online dating pool?
• Are you a seasoned veteran or a complete novice at it?
• How does one balance the up and down sides of this growing trend?
• How do you ferret-out a prime contender from all the pretenders?

Nowadays, proper Internet dating etiquette is essential to produce a pleasant experience and successful result. So in order to better equip you for success, it’s time for the Do’s & Don’ts of Online Dating.

* Authenticity. Just because the nature of online is a tad “impersonal” and unfortunately a great place for people to hide or play games, approach online dating with the same authenticity and respect you would in the “real dating pool”. Take the time to answer everyone who has contacted you, show compassion for the ones who aren’t candidates and treat everyone the way you want to be treated. You will get what you want if you remain real and authentic – just as you’ll attract game players if you play games.

* Personal Information. Remember, you never really know who you’re talking to, and what their true motives are, so less is more when originally giving out any sort of personal information.

* Geographic Location. When disclosing your geographical location, limit it to a region only, rather than the exact name of your town, province or neighborhood. If you live in a large city, giving that information out is fine, but if you’re in a rural area, it’s better to stick with general regional information.

* Phone Numbers. Never give out your phone number at the beginning of your interaction with any candidate! It may seem remedial, but people can be unpredictable. If you want to have a phone conversation, get their number and call them. Activate your Caller ID Blocking so that your phone number is blocked. When you have determined that they are sincere and legitimate, then you can safely give out your personal information. Important! If someone suggests you call him or her collect - your telephone number will appear on his or her phone bill! The same is true if you call someone’s 800#. Another tip about phone numbers – with search engine’s abilities to do a reverse phone number search, all someone has to do is enter your phone # and they’ll have your address. NOT a smart move until you really know someone well!

* Your Screen Name. It’s your online moniker, and the Internet’s equivalent of your nickname. It represents you and your personality to the people you’ll meet. It’s the name everybody on dating and chat sites associate with who you are. Ask yourself what best represents the essence of who you are when selecting a Screen Name for yourself. Think about your best qualities and the kind of person you want to attract.

* Honesty: How do you tell if the person you’re dealing with is the person they are purporting to be? Here are different ways to determine if you’re dealing with an honest and trustworthy person.

1. Listen to them objectively. Be alert for any stories or “facts” about them that sound “iffy” or evasive. Ask for more details and take note if they try to avoid the question.

2. Get a Current Photo. It’s tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper, but most digital cameras have a date stamp or some other form of “authenticating” the time frame. If they are who they say they are - you need only explain you’ve “been there, done that” with others who were deceptive - and you just need to know, it’s not a personal attack. If they are put off by that request, or take it personally, this is a Red Flag - pay attention!

3. Take Your Time. If they fall in love with you instantly, are overly pushy, obsessive (emailing you 16 times a day), or exhibit any other “unusual” behavior – take note and step back! Why are they professing their love so quickly? Anyone who is over the top behaviorally, is either desperate, is hiding something, or isn’t the prince or princess they purport to be. Speed Dating is one thing, but Speed Love is a huge Red Flag. Don’t overlook this problem and allow yourself to get swept up in fantasy – speed love usually ends disastrously! If it’s meant to be, it will last forever. Take Your Time!

4. Meet Soon. Don’t get deeply emotionally involved with anyone you’ve never met in person. Plan on a face-to-face meeting within a few weeks (or month at the most) of connecting online. Allow yourself that online time to get to know them to determine if you’re compatible and have mutual interest. If you have chemistry and want to go further in the relationship, or not, you’ll know that with one live date. Online daters spend way too much time fantasizing about the wonderful person on the other side of the computer screen, only to be severely disappointed when they meet in person. Don’t spend hundreds of hours building up a fantasy that no one could possibly live up to – meet as soon as possible to get to know the real person. BTW: People who delay that first meeting usually have something to hide.

5. Background Checks.  While I never used to be a proponent of these services, with the amount of online fraud today, I have come to see that it can be a very useful tool if you have reason to believe you need more information than they are giving. This type of service is readily available to you, and should be used if you have encountered any major RED FLAGS along the way. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure – so be cautious and do your homework. *One side note: If you have so many Red Flags that you need to use these services, that should be a clear sign you should run screaming! I know it’s a Catch 22, but use common sense and follow your intuition about anyone you meet.

Meeting Face to Face
After you’ve chatted online, on the phone, and you’ve exchanged pictures, it’s time to meet. Here are some common sense attitudes and behaviors that will make your dating experience both safe and sane.

First Meeting Safety
* Always meet in a Public Place, such as a bookstore, Starbucks or Jamba Juice for a short date. Never plan a lengthy meal, movie or event that “traps” you for a long period of time. If you are enjoying the other person, you can always stay longer, or set-up a subsequent date, but getting stuck with someone who is plainly not for you can be torture.

* Don’t think that a parking lot is a good place to meet, you have no protection in a parking lot and no, your car isn’t safe either. You can be easily overpowered, and usually nobody within the Mall or shopping center will be able to see you.

* Always Tell a Friend or Relative where you will be and write down the information, along with your Cell#.

* Never let your date pick you up for the first meeting. If you don’t own transportation, get a ride from a friend, take a cab, or bus. Don’t become a statistic! It is never safe to leave your home with a total stranger or to give a total stranger your address. If you plan on drinking, get a ride from a friend - though I would strongly advise against becoming inebriated in the presence of someone who is, basically, a stranger to you.

* Never leave your purse unattended. Your purse contains personal information, including your car and house keys. I know you want to be trusting, but please err on the side of caution until you really get to know them.

* Never leave your drink unattended at the bar. If you have to leave for any reason, take your drink with you. If that isn’t possible, dump it out and order a fresh one when you return. Date rape drugs and other “designer drugs” are very prevalent. Be safe, be smart, and be aware.

Online dating will only become more popular, pervasive and sophisticated as time goes by – it’s definitely here to stay. Following your heart, listening to your intuition regarding anyone you meet, either online or in person and presenting yourself as authentically as possible will guarantee your experience in cyberspace will be a fabulous one. So go log-on and enjoy!